dasies diary

Do I need to change my profile now?

2007-04-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

Can I stay 38? I think I can pretty much do whatever I want with my blogger.....hehehe

I think I will be 38 for the rest of my life!

I love you Mommy, Tia, Michael and all my beautiful friends and little family. I am so content.

These are things I would say if I were, I wish; for you to see

2007-04-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

If I were your father I would tell you how very proud of you I am every minute of everyday, proud of you for the strong man you have become, the special person that you are, the amazing daddy that I see you are too not only your own, but the ones you have come to love as your own, I would tell you this and more because it is truth and because I love you more then anything else in this world . I would want to be near you everyday and hear your infectious laughter, share in your goals, dreams and endevors. Be a part of your little family and live each day looking at you and knowing that I couldn't have asked for a better son then yourself, I would Thank God for my only son; and stand tall knowing in my heart that this sweet soul before me will not only carry on my name in words, but in spirit and deep within his incredible heart. I would stand by you, beside you and pick you up if you fell. hug you when you needed it and tell you that I truly love you, encourage you to reach as high as you can, to not be scared because I was there never leaving you until you believed that you could never let me down, guiding you and following you where ever you wanted to go, telling you that you can be anything and giving you the will. Talking man to man and letting you know that everyone makes mistakes it's ok to forget and let go. I would stand beside you when you marry your wife and secretly pray to myself that everything you have ever dreamed of will soon be yours and pray my last days that God himself will watch over my sweet little boy.

But I am not, but if I were; knowing you as I do, my brother; I know these are the things I would of said to you.

Things are different in this world today, if Dad was alive I am almost sure this time around he would have tried. I know in my own heart that if he stood here that he would tell you he was sorry for all the years of abuse. He would hold you and never let go and take back the 40 years he had stolen from you, he would try hard to be the father he should have been to you, and lived for the man who stands so proud before him. He was to sick to see at the time, his only son who would have taken his place and died. I watched you in pain and seen you suffer for the daddy you had, the one who could barely see you, through the haze of the booze he only saw his own pain, never once thinking that you needed him in many ways, he was selfish, it was never you, you were the best boy you could be and an even greater man from your experiences and everything you have been through, everything happens for a reason you need to believe. erase the deep pain that he has caused you and live for today. I am begging you, Please.

You are one of the best people I have ever meant, you are truly special!

I loved you yesterday, today and tomorrow and will love you everyday, this I promise you.

"Who comforts you?"

2007-03-27T04:56:00.000-07:00

This was written for me and sent to me from my beautiful mother on 3/5/06. She told me that she had written the question, "who comforts me", and for the longest time the answer to her question was left blank until now.

I keep the one she sent to me in my bag and carry it with me each and everyday. And when I was in Florida last week I had asked her if she had an empty notebook or journal that I could write in and she gave me the very book that held these precious words written for me. I adore my mother, she is the sweetest person I have ever meant and the love I have for her is like no other.

Everyday I am working on being truly happy, so that she in turn can be. That is my wish, my dream.

"Who comforts you?"

Who comforts you my child when the battlefield clears and when your hope is shattered once again.

When the love for your child collides with your pain and frustration and exhaustion sets in.

Others can walk away, but not you. Others receive and give comfort to each other in order to restore a peaceful space for themselves, they fall asleep to dream once again and feel secure and happy with their existance.

But who comforts you, my child?

Who mends your heart, holds you tight and stops your pounding heart and soothes your broken spirit?

You must hide from those who you should be able to run to. You take on the guilt of the faults and illnesses of those you love.

Don't be ashamed for you have done your best, and some things are beyond your control. My heart aches for my child and for the child she brought into this world alone.

I wish I were there to comfort you, to hold you and help ease your pain.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring happiness and peace to you and your children.

But today I came to a happy reality. Your hope, your solace and peace has a name and it is Michael.

Michael gives you his love, his compassion and shares his journey through life with you. His shared experience are real, pure and filled with enthusiasm. He tells you how wonderful you are, what a great cook you are, how much he loves you, and that you are the best mother anyone could ever have. He walks you through his life as a child and fills your life with love and creativity and wonder. He shares his childhood with you and in his heart, he must know that you never had a chance to experience his joy and wonder.

He is the one I have been praying for to hold you, heal your pain and make you feel as beautiful as you are.

Michael, you are the answers to my prayers. Thank you for showing my child how truly wonderful she is. Although you are a child yourself, you have the wisdom and a beautiful heart to share your true love and happiness with my child.

I love you Nana.

BELIEVE

2007-03-25T06:43:00.001-07:00

I have to believe that everything will get better.

I ordered the book 'The Secret" and couldn't wait for it to get here. I went to Florida bummed out that it had not arrived in time for me to read it while I was away, hoping with the fresh air, no confusion or stress that I could get the most out of it. I came home to it sitting on my kitchen counter and as soon as I put my bags down I grabbed it and ran my fingers over the cover and thought to myself "This could be it, this may change everything, my life and the way I think"

It has now been 5 days and it sits on my night stand, with only 7 pages read. Let me explain. I absolutely love to read, it is one
of my many passions; if the world got rid of every book I would be heart broken, literally!

The main reason why I have a hard time picking it up right now is because the first time I laid eyes on it and the way my face beamed with happiness and hope was seen by Dm and his mother. They instantly killed the hope and wiped the smile off my face with their negativity on what they have heard about the book. I knew at that time that it would be in my best interest to let it sit for awhile until they had both forgotten about it and my desire to read it.

I did read the first 6 or 7 pages and learned 'The Secret" The power of attraction that's it. Amazing and true! I have always said that I thought our bodies were made up of energy, that what the human eye can see is just a carrier, our transporter, that we can choose to surround ourselves with positive people or negitive and that is what we become, not knowing at the time if what I felt was true or not, just thinking it. I have also said with the help and advice of my mother that the power of our own voices is huge, but what I never knew was that through our thoughts and the words we speak ourselves is what we "attract' it makes so much sense to me that I don't need to read the rest of the book, although I will!

My fear right now and the reason why I can not read the rest of the book is when I tried to speak to both DM and his mother about how I felt that they denied to me and themselves that they were very negitive people, not saying that I wasn't, but saying that we all were and for our babies sake that we should really start focusing more on how we come across and the way we speak around him. I told them both and this is truth that if I closed my eyes when MM speaks that I either heard Dm, myself or DP speaking and it scared me! We are molding his young mind and the way he speaks. His future and happiness I feel at this point is in our hands! Once again I was shot done and belittled, told to work on myself that I had the problem, that they were "Realists" not negative.

So my question is this..... I in the last 4 days have thought, spoke and breathed postive. Tried to turn every negitive situation around to make it positive. I self speak to myself and out loud even thow some around me may think I am crazy. But how do you try to "Attract" the positive, when everyone around you and your situation is negative and those who bring you down live with you?

Think Positive.... Pray.

Daisy

Little Thoughts

2007-03-09T03:51:00.000-08:00

Why do the poor get poorer, the middle class are stressed out and the rich get richer?

These are my thoughts.....

The poor people when they are paid they spend their money on small, cheap stuff; meaning dollar store things to fill their house. It makes them feel good and let's face it if they could they would buy Ethen Allen, but they obviously don't make the money and most don't have the education to excel to make more money, they get by. I know this because I grew up like this, the proof is in my pictures of my first apartment and many after that.

The middle class people purchase "Liabilities", meaning a new car, Rolex watch, a new house etc. So the more money they make, the more they spend. They tend to have more going out then they have coming in. Which puts a lot of stress on them. I also know this because I live it today, menus the rolex!

The rich spend their money on "Assets" Things that bring in money. Rental properties, stocks, bonds, investments, etc. And with the money they make they buy more assets, which makes them richer.

I have always understood this but have never had the money to apply this knowledge I have. I am sure many people know this, but it is not as easy as it looks. Who has $60,OOO plus in the bank to buy a rental property? I invested every penny I had in this wonderful stock and I was robbed. So this isn't for everyone.

The one thing I do know is that "Education" is an asset. With student loans you can acheive an education that will bring you in money so that you can financially prepare yourself to save, to buy assets and not clutter. The key is to save and not spend! The down fall is you have to pay the student loans back, which I am still doing since 1996. lol

I don't believe that everyone has this opportunity because most have to work to put food on the table, have children to take care of. It's sad because if everyone had this simple knowledge, were brought up thinking this way, then maybe just maybe we would all be equals. We wouldn't have to suffer when watching the poverty and the poor children of this world go hungry!

I wish that I could take care of the world and it's people, for even one day let all experience what it feels like to live stress free and to feel like we should all feel, that we are the same.

Just a hope. Daisy

The Secret Lies Within

2007-03-05T03:54:00.000-08:00

I recently had my friend send me a trailer of a movie "The Secret" she is trying to help me discover what I am good at outside of being an awesome Mommy, God Bless her. The clip was short and I feel an urgency to find this secret out, so I ordered the book. I can't wait till it gets here, I would love to take it with me to Florida.

The thing is I already know that everyone has a hidden talent, that they are passionate about something, good at. I also know that you need to search within yourself to find that one special thing, and that no one can tell you what it is, help you discover it. My fear is that I will never find it or I have already and don't know it, that it wil be to late or if I find it that I will need to spend thousands of dollars to go back to school to acheive it. At 39 years old shouldn't I already know what it is? I do know many things about myself, but unfortunately they are not going to pay the bills, raise my confidence level or make me feel important or acheive the Hierarchy of needs.

How can being a great person, a fantastic mother, daughter and friend make money? I am filled to the brim with passion and love and have an incredible drive to do something, but have absolutely no idea what it is. I am a Nurse on paper, meaning in order to practice I would need to take my State Boards after 11 years of not practicing, I have a Medical Coding and Billing degree that I never used because I was rasing my kids and with 20 something more credits I could have my Social work degree, which means going back to school. I have excellent awards in every subject I have taken, my GPA is a 3.8-4.0, I have received perfect attendence and deans lists awards and many other things. My portfolio is amazing, but I am still not sure that the Medical field is for me. I am way too sensitive and if I should go back into Nursing I know in my heart that it would only hurt me as it did before, I have enough pain in my everyday life that I don't think it would be healthy for me to go down that road again. I can't see myself behind a desk all day either doing Medical Billing. The one thing I can see myself doing is Social work. I love people and am always trying to help them, they use to call me "Dear Teri" because whenever my friends or family had a problem they would call me. That is one of the reasons why I went to school for it. But in that field there is a very high burn out rate and again I am sensitive, not sure if I can listen to everyone's pain and not take it home with me.....

I need some serious help! The saga continues...................

Daisy

Getting Older Sucks

2007-02-20T13:51:00.000-08:00

Some say age is just a number.... Yeah right! When you reach a certain age it means everything!

I recently discovered that all the thousands of dollars I have spent since the young age of 13 to keep my skin soft meant nothing, or maybe my old body can't take the cold New York weather anymore?

I think a big part of me checking myself out more lately then normal is that I am going to Florida for 9 days. Not to mention my 39 Birthday is in a couple of days. I have to admit that for having two kids and almost 40 I look pretty damm good, but the flaws I had when I was 15 are there still and a lot more noticible at this age! Like my small breasts. They actually went from a C to an A? Why me? I think I am the only one that after each child my girls got smaller! lol I have always just ignored them, but in the last month I have been very upset with these little girls. They are not as perky anymore and just hang there, they really need some TLC. I think I have made up my mind about surgery, I no longer just want them, but need them! Most of my Girlfriends have large breasts, BUT ME, and two of my best girls! Three of them have had surgery, two are naturally big, one got very big after her kids. I wish us 3 could get a deal and go together!

Then the wrinkles, what is up with that? Not many, but they are still there! I am still in my thirties! Thank God I have a great personality and heart or I might as well pack it up and call it a day! How the hell am I going to look in a bathing suit this year? YUK! I even lost what bootie I had, this is aweful! I wish there was a way that you could choose where you want to loose weight. No such luck! I lost weight and with it went my best assets, life is so not fair! Now I want to gain weight to get back my getto bootie, thats what my daughter called it when it was there...lmao

I guess you can't have it all. I always wonder if men go through what us women have to go through with getting older? I am really not liking this at all! I feel like at any minute I am going to fall apart physically. Next year is going to be hell for me the big 40....I can't think about it really! The one thing I am loking forward to is going out dancing with my girl Jessie and Rosie Sat night, they are taking me out for my birthday and I plan on getting wasted. I know that sounds childish, but it has been a long time coming. I need to go make my little family dinner, now thats a lie because I made beef stew yesterday, but need to warm it up now and set the table. If anyone likes Beef stew let me know I make the best!

Peace and Love, Daisy

2007-02-11T15:33:00.000-08:00

I had a great weekend with my Michael. It is all about simplicity! Friday we watched a movie and ate junk food. Saturday I took him to Karate, then we had bkfst at the best bagel shop here in Orange county. When we got back we played Lego's for hours, we built a very cool bank with a drive Thur window, a vault and lots of little green money and coins. Put put our hearts into it like everything him and I do together! We then when down to the kitchen and made cookies, or should I say he made cookies. I put my red apron on him (I got red not because I like the color, but because when we bake together I didn't want him wearing pink :)
I was so very proud of my little man, he did everything on his own, even cracking the egg! The only thing he didn't do was put them in the oven and take them out, but he did set the timer. We made blue, red, yellow and green frosting and he cut me all kinds of flowers out from the sugar cookie dough. We had more frosting on the counters and on our selves then the cookies...lmao And the sprinkles, forget about it....laughing. He knows I love butterflies and daises and so he made sure the cookies were daises and the sprinkles butterflies. I now know what true love is! Who needs a man when you have a beautiful son as I do that knows exactly what makes me happy! The simple things are all I really need. No one ever got that.

I Thank God everyday for my funny little guy! I love you more then words could ever say Michael, you are my entire world! Thank you for always putting a smile on my face and laughter within my heart and soul, you are truly the best boy any Mommy could ever have, I am so blessed!

Forever, Daisy

2007-02-09T03:36:00.000-08:00

As much as I love my blog, I feel like it is time to give it up; or put it on hold.

I look back at some of the entries, the ones in the beginning; the ones I have printed and love what I see. I look at the ones now and I want to be sick. I was happy and positive then and now I have nothing but confusion and pain. I think a lot has to do with the changes of the ones I loved and I have to admit, the weather.

I am convinced I have seasonal depression. I thought I was the only one that suffers from it in my small circle of friends, but I am seeing it more and more with many. It plays such a huge part on my emotions, the sun. I notice a big change in myself and my energy level when I wake to the sun rays shining through my window onto my face. I get up happy and ready to conquer anything! Now with it being so cold I have to literally push myself and I feel as if the world is ending. I have nothing to look forward too, no dreams to accomplish, no parks to walk through, no adventures planned, the magic is gone. I feel as if I lost everyone that really mattered to me, accept for for those few that I know love me unconditionally. The thing that hurts is that I don't understand why. If I knew I think with closer I could go on, but I am one of those people who need to know no matter how bad it hurts.

The one thing I am truly grateful for is that I am going to Florida for 9 days and with my best friend beside me and the sun on my back I will be happy, if only for those days. I need to learn and quick that I am number one and to think of myself, rather then worry and wonder about those who can't comprehend what they have in me. I have to learn to be grateful for the ones I do have and know that in time the ones who have turned their back will soon realize how truly stupid they were. You don't find many people like me anymore! My biggest problem is I can't stop caring, I have tried so hard and I am not successful as of yet.

Give me an island with my mom, kids, cases of great wine, crusty bread and fine cheese. Some yogurt and bottled water, a small boat for those few chosen friends to come visit, a stereo and lots of Cd's and corky to make me laugh and I am set! No phones or TV allowed....

Love, Daisy

2007-02-07T03:34:00.000-08:00

I haven't slept in the last week there are so many things troubling my mind and heart.

For years I have sat around and allowed everyone who I have let into my life take advantage of my kindness and literally walk on my heart, ignore my feelings and step on me to get what they want. I never looked at it so closely as I do now and it is really hurting me and haunting me at night.

Did I expect them to change? Hope that they would see the gift that they had and treat me as I should be? Or is it me?

For the first time in my life I am tired. So tired of spending my days wondering what I can do for those who have acted like I don't exist unless of course they wanted something then their vision suddenly improved and their attitude changed, their voice became softer and I was finally treated as if I were worthy of them, if only for a moment like I mattered to them, then they would get what they wanted and turn back to who they really are at heart, cruel.

I consider myself to be very smart, one thing that has not been robbed of me, so why do I continue to let new people in my life that have no respect for my feelings and allow them to play with my life as if it were a board game? And let those who have been in my life continue to hurt me? Is this what life is really about?

I am starting to believe that we are living in hell.

I have learned that to follow your heart and gut instinct sometimes hurts more then allowing those to cause me pain. It least I can pretend that they care and love me, but to listen closely to what your heart is telling you and tuning into the feeling in your gut confirms your fears and fear to me is so incredibly hard to handle. I still want to believe in those that I adore and love with my entire heart, so do I give in and take the chance of being alone in this world or do I continue to pretend that they love me and let them lead me further into their sick game? This is what I have been laying awake at night pondering over. I have yet to find the answers.

If I followed my gut and listened to my heart 99% of the people I meet would not be able to enter my life. I don't ever remember people being this cruel. I am the type of person who just wants to hear the truth, I don't need sugar coating. Because when you have the heart I do that feels everything to the point of feeling a strangers deepest pain then I need the truth because it causes me more pain to look in ones eyes and know they are just telling me what they think I want to hear.

I can honestly sit here and say that I am an incredibly good person, friend, daughter, sister and mother! That there is nothing I wouldn't do for the ones I love and for those I have just meant. I would go out of my way for a complete stranger. I love people no matter how much money they have or don't have, no matter what their race or what they look like! All I have ever asked for is respect. I have dreamt of true love for many many years, but have given up on that. I get all the love I need from my mother, son and close friends. The growing older with the same man, holding hands till we make our way to heaven is lost to me.

My main focus now is to weed out the ones who only care about themselves, want to lead me to pain and who think they have me fooled by believing in them and the lies they have created for me.

My plans are to better myself in every way I know how too, be successful, continue to be the best mother, friend and daughter to the ones I cherish and adore and to hand over my heart completely to those I truly know love me unconditionally and forget those who use me and only want to step on me getting what they want. I just have alot of changing to do within myself, after almost 39 years it is going to be hard and hurt probiley more then anything, but in the long run I will eventually be pain free.

God Bless all of you. Daisy

2007-02-02T04:14:00.000-08:00

Good Morning. I am trying really hard to avoid those who have caused me pain, but in order to do that I have to change who I am and after almost 39 years it is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Why is it that I feel so much for others? My heart aches for the ones who have hurt me, I still worry about their feelings when they have not thought about mine. How do you change the way you have always been? I never thought that indifference would be so hard, although I feel better staying away and not putting myself in the situation of getting hurt myself, I am still somewhat consumed with how they feel and if I am hurting them in anyway. What makes me think that they even care, when they have given me every reason to believe that they feel nothing for me?

Although I know I have made the right choice for me for once and feel better that I don't have to hear the negativity and know that my back will not be stabbed when I turn around, I still am haunted everyday by thinking that they themselves may be hurt. I would never intentionally hurt anyone and truly have deep love and care for every human being. I can't help to think that those who have done the hurting have a sickness and they have no control over what they say and how they act. I must have pity, it makes me sad. So is it better to speak to them and think that way instead of ignoring and avoiding them? Would I be setting myself up for more pain? How do you separate your feelings and change who you are to protect your well being without hurting others? I hate the drama and only want to be myself, is it possible anymore in this world?

The saga continues..... Daisy

2007-01-30T03:57:00.000-08:00

Indifference

That is where I am at in my life right now. They say that "Love" and "Hate" take up a lot of energy, but when you reach "indifference" your positive energy comes back and the stress gone. When you finally stop caring you have reached indifference sad, but true. Why does it have to be like this? I will tell you, people today are out for themselves; they have no idea what "Friendship" is all about. What the true meaning of "Love" is or how to show it. Not everyone, because I myself consider myself very lucky to have the friends and family that I have, that's why I protect them with my entire heart and soul. But there are many that are in my life and will remain in my life because of my precious son that I have treated with nothing but respect and love to have in one day force me to stop caring.

This family really doesn't deserve me. I have tried in every way I know how to keep the peace between us for the sake of my beautiful baby, but I can only take so much. I will continue to respect them, but have lost all faith in their character and have finally seen them for who they really are, selfish, self centered, back stabbing, heartless people. To sit in my house and openly talk about me and say they didn't when I myself sat there and listened, not ease dropping because she was very loud and I not stupid to read between the lines and smart enough to take a one sided conversation and know exactly that it was me that she was talking about, to have them be as stupid as to let the answering machine record their conversation and my daughter come and tell me that she hears them speaking about me, to deny it and be confronted, to deny it again and have the proof; for them to avoid me because they know they made a huge mistake. I have not only reached that level of indifference, but have not allowed anyone in the past few days take advantage of me and my huge heart, disrespect me as they always have or treat me as if I didn't exist unless of course they wanted something then I was the best thing since apple pie! To think this was all over something that was given to me by a friend (which is also family) and because the other one didn't get anything she bashed me, IN MY HOUSE! I have done everything for this person, she lives in my house, has my truck because she didn't have one, every time I walk out the door she gets something! I do and do and do and this is what I get. NO MORE! I have never been a bitch unless I had too, I try to be the best person I know how to be and if I have to say so myself I am one hell of a friend, daughter and mother! I will not let anyone treat me this way again. I would rather be alone then to go through this on a daily basis. They can take their negativity and back stabbing some where else, I am so much better without them, they only want to bring me down and I am unstoppable! Misery loves company, and I refuse to be brought down to their level!

Indifference may be sad to most, but in my case it is survival.

2007-01-25T03:52:00.000-08:00

Good Morning. The Moron speaks again. That would be me. I don't understand why people in an argument need to call names. Didn't that go out with 3rd grade? You will rarely ever hear me call people a name or put them down, unless you push me near the edge or over it and it takes me a lot! I guess I am different then most, another thing that makes me special! What bothers me the most is how trivial it was, and that I was only looking out for my kids again. It was sooooo stupid that I won't even repeat it because MOST people would be like "Are you serious?" So uncalled for. Don't know how much more I can take. Almost 39 and I deserve to be happy, safe and not be verbally attacked on a daily basis. Since yesterday when this happened I swear the way he called me a Moron and the fact that he did is still bothering me, maybe because I know that it is how he looks at me? I know that I am far from a Moron, not even close; but it hurts. I guess I have to consider the source. Some people feel the need to cut deep, to make themselves feel better. A shame, really. I play fair and when I HAVE too argue, try and fight fair. I don't say things that I can't take back, I am no Angel and have been pushed to say things that I regret to this day, but I APOLOGIZE! And like I said before, it was so trivial. This isn't working, the co-existing thing. My main fear right now and most of my life is that I am going to grow old alone, no one to love and be loved by. What happens when I stand before God himself and he says to me "Teri, I gave you a heart and soul filled with the most amazing love and passion, my gift too you, why is it that you never had a soul mate to share it with?" What am I going to say? "Sorry God, but no one could see how beautiful I am inside!" That would be a lie, because I have had a few men that to this day would marry me, but I choose a man that I knew from the beginning could never love me, a glutton for punishment. Now and for the last year or more we are living together and we are so both very unhappy and there really is nothing there, but are both good parents and want our son too be happy, but with me I truly believe our baby needs to see us both happy and that is not being together. He is smart, and knows why mommy sleeps in her own room, he See's with my eyes. I know he has my heart, am I destroying it for true love someday? So sad. Breasts seem so trivial right now, what was I thinking? (My last entry) Need coffee. Daisy

2007-01-24T03:55:00.000-08:00

"Confused"

Am I happy with myself? The answer is YES, but there are so many things I would change; but wouldn't everyone?

I love who I am and the women I have become, but physically I sometimes get very down on myself. Like today.

One problem I have is that there is a FULL length mirror in my master bathroom, on the door. Without that I could still continue to live in denial, but it is well glued to the door; believe me I have tried to get it off!

The other problem I have is that I am getting older, only turning 39 in February, but keep looking at it as 40! I am not one of those girls who is going to take this without one hell of a fight!

My dilemma is that I have the money to change one of the two things I feel will take me from just "Cute" to "Pretty" and make me feel on top of the world and I can';t make up my mind which one of those things I want to do! When I talk to those who know me and love me I am getting mixed messages. The men of course say "Breasts" except for my Pop. And the women tell me not too, except for my girl Jessie.

My Pop he thinks I am awesome the way I am and Jessie she is a great friend and wants to see me happy, not that my Pop doesn't, but he See's my inner beauty and that's the type of man he is.

My best friend "My Gorgeous Mom" doesn't want me too either, I think she feels the same as Pop. And Tia, she is going through that stage, she See's it as competition and thinks I should get them for her! Teenagers!!

What I think I should do is put one of those tin cans in the bagel shop and have people donate money and then I could do both! Tacky.... A "Help Wanted" sign?

Anyway....

I have the personality and the heart. I am truly a gift to anyone, but is that enough?

Is it society that is now at the young age of 38 1/2 ruining me? Making me feel like I should be like everyone else?

The answer to that is NO. I have always wanted this for as long as I can remember! I now have the money, it's not like I didn't have it before; but as always I did the "right" thing by everyone else and forgot about what I wanted. Does society make me feel it in ways, yes. How could it not, either you have them or you don't and the focus has always been on the ones who do. But I have something that most of these double D girls don't and that's passion, love and laughter. Sincerity, honesty and personality! You can't buy those things!!

Imagine if I had C cups...... Let's take a moment............

Amazing! Now that's what I would call "Hot!"

It wouldn't change who I am at all or the way I dress or carry myself, but my confidence would reach levels where I have never been, only wished to be!

Still thinking.... The saga continues...

Daisy

2007-01-20T05:54:00.000-08:00

I love you Mommy! This is when I was 7 years old. The date is January 20, 2007.

I think you are the best Mommy in the whole world! I think you have pretty eyes. I know that you have the best Mom! I want to get a dog like Corky and Paris. She will last forever if she would just eat the dog food, she is getting healthy.

Mommy asks Michael.... "what do you think about Mommy?"

Michael replies: I think your silly and fun! And the best Mommy in the whole entire world! I love you even more then Jesus!

Mommy asks Michael.... In your eyes Michael what do you see in Mommy?

Michael replies: I think you look beautiful! I think you smile a lot!

Mommy asks Michael.... Who loves your guts?

Michael replies: You Mommy!

Mommy asks Michael....(I don't get to ask) He wants to talk about Tia.

Tia is the best sister in the whole entire world! When she gets up you should show this to her.

Michael what is the one thing that Mommy does to you that you love?

Michael says: Make me laugh and kiss me!

Whats your favorite thing to do with Mommy?

Michael says: Play Lego's.

Michael who is Mommy's favorite little guy?

Michael says before I even finish the sentence, ME!

Michael do you like to snuggle with your Mommy? Yes I do snuggle with my Mommy and I love it!
Michael when you get married what do you think your wife will look like?
Michael replies: I like blond hair and blue eyes, tall, skinny. Funny and laughs a lot. Shiny teeth. "He is looking at a picture on the desk, with me holding him and getting hints from it, you have shiny teeth in that picture and kind of blue eyes. And kind of reddish brownish hair. I think I am done Mommy.
I love you Michael, you are my Angel! Good bye Mommy let's play Lego's!

2007-01-17T02:35:00.000-08:00

"What is wrong with me and does anyone have a name for it besides getting old?"

Let's start with what I look like and then I can tell you what is happening to me.

Height: 5'4"

Weight: 130, could be less.

Hair: Long, down past bra strap; brown hair; great cut. Had high lights and low lights, until people started

copying me and I can't stand that. Waiting till I see or feel something unique again.

Build: Good shape (For having two kids. lol) I am not chubby, no cellulite, that I can see myself in a mirror :O) I don't have a six pack, yet; but I do have a gym membership I just need to get there! I have always disliked my legs, but I guess they are ok; a little bruised from Karate and playing with my son (wrestling). Great feet (So many, many people say!) Nice hard ass, again people (friends) and others in my past have said. Natural nails, medium length (all one length (knock on wood) Hands are ok, I work so hard and play extra hard with my son doing boy stuff and I garden and do yard work without gloves because I love the feel of the soil; I know it sounds weird, but the glove thing is just not for me! Unless of course I am racking leaves and pick up a decomposing squerl, which has happened then I break out with my hot pink gardening gloves. lmao I have a great, strong back, although through x-rays it is not so strong! Now here is the down fall. I HAVE VERY SMALL BREASTS! They are cute, and fit my body; but I hate them! A real dilemma I have been struggling with lately, not to mention all my life! Just not sure at my age that it is worth changing, although I have been thinking about it seriously for months now. There are two things stopping me: One I have my daughter who is 19 and what example would I be setting for her. And two, it is a chance that I am not sure I want to take because I have two beautiful children to live for and let's face it anything can happen; it is major surgery!

Eyes: Hazel, long lashes.

Features: small, nice ears. some freckles (The Irish in me) Went on a cruise and the art director described my face as a beautiful sculpture, and believe me he wasn't trying to pick me up! Everyone says I have a great smile, not sure why! All my life I have gotten that; I personally hate it!

Personality: I have to say I have the most amazing personality! People love me no matter what age! I have friends back home that still tell me after me moving away 9 years ago that the only time they truly have fun is when I come home for a visit. I love to make people smile and I like to have fun! I can be serious, but most of the time I am silly; I do it mostly for my little guy and my mother! I have heard many times that I am the life of the party and that I am funny; I crack people up. Natural for me.

What I truly believe in and who I really am: All my life I have strangers or people I have just meant, whether they are co-workers, patients of mine, neighbors, other mothers (friends of my kids) or new friends of mine; and old. They tell me their deepest, darkest secrets. Maybe I have the face, not sure why; but to this day I have many, many, many secrets with me from hundreds of people that I will go to heaven with! I am so incredibly trust worthy! And I can't lie for nothing! I tell who ever I am with weather it be friends, family, a man etc etc everything weather they will get upset or not, I am not out to hurt anyone, but that to me is incredibly important. I believe that telling lies will only get myself hurt and others and I would never intentionally hurt anyone!

I am a very loyal, faithful person; I believe this is why I still have the friends I have from childhood and no one has ever wanted to leave me once knowing me! I don't like people talking about the ones I care about and others that they don't even know, I truly love all people from all walks of life! I see no color and to me we are all the same, cut us open and we all bleed red. May not make sense to some, but it does to me!

I care and love people deeply! I go out of my way to help. I put myself at risk sometimes doing so. For example: This happened 10-11 months ago maybe longer, but no one here will let me live it down, matter of fact just yesterday it was brought up again by DM and his Mom. I tell them "That's who I am" and they said that they are going to have that put on my grave stone "She says that's who she was!"

I was at the Medicare office applying for my daughter and it was raining and extremely cold outside. In the waiting room there was this man he had to be around my age, maybe older and he ws going on and on about himself and God he couldn't sit still for a second, so I listened because no one else would and seemed to fear him. As I was leaving he was outside standing in the rain by the pay phone and he had a small thin jacket on, I knew he was freezing because I was. He looked upset. I ran to my car and got in and as I ws pulling out I looked into his eyes and felt horrible, so I rolled down the window and asked him if he was ok and he told me that usually if he called the police that they would come and take him home, but they were busy and he had no money. I should of given him money to take a taxi, but me being me I said where do you live and me not knowing the area had no idea where he lived, but asked him him he wanted a ride. Come to find out it was 40 mins out of my way, but to this day I would do it again; if I had another person with me! On the way to his house he told me everything about himself, he was a recovering addict (crack) and many other things and had been in and out of jail, I didn't know about the jail part obviously; but while waiting in the office knew that he was or had been hooked on something. I was a Nurse and lived in this world long enough to know the signs. Missing teeth, bad hygiene, extreme weight loss etc etc Anyway.... He was a really nice person and needed my help. Was I a little nervous at first, YES; but my gut told me he was ok and it is never wrong! Let me rephrase that ever since something awful happened to me 4 years ago I learned to follow it and I to this day don't trust like I use to and ignore my gut feelings anymore. He got home safe and was extremely grateful. And I, well that's who I am!

Love: Not sure if I have ever been truly in love with anyone outside of my children and mother. I know the difference. But it is the one thing I long for. When I am with someone and feel like I love them or even just like them I am faithful and only have eyes for that person! I go above and beyond most would for their boyfriend/lover! I take care of them and support them in every way! If you ask my girlfriends, better yet my best friend whom is my mother she will tell you that I often put them before myself, which I have to learn that it is not healthy. My dream is to spend the rest of my life with one man, wake up to him every morning and express my love to him in every way I know how. I am a true lover, and understand that people are different in their own ways and in order for a healthy relationship there will be disagreements, but I don't like to fight and argue. I believe that one should never let the sun go down on ones anger! The one fault I have that i need to work on is that if I am wrong that I will be the first one to admit it, make it known to everyone, but if I know I am right and accused of wrong I will fight (not literally) to the end defending myself! It is a bad quality in me, and I have work to do. I am a very sensitive person, another bad quality in me, Dm has always told me that I am "Too sensitive!" my kids are just like me. That I need to develop a thicker skin. Not sure if I totally agree, but can admit that I can be sensitive. Not just regarding myself, but I am also very sensitive to others and their feelings as well! Which I believe is a great quality! I could go on and on about love, but until I find it I can't really intelligently on it, never really feeling it, always thinking it makes it hard on me. It is priceless, yet I have never felt it. Unconditional love, wouldn't that be amazingly sweet!

Respect: HUGE with me! I don't believe in public display. There is one thing I can't stand to even witness and that's when I see a couple arguing in public! How does one do that? You say you love each other, yet humiliate them in front of people and friends. There is a time and place for EVERYTHING and that to me is just wrong! I treat people the way I would want them to treat me and my son is just like me. My daughter on the other hand needs a little help, ok she needs work. Teenager or is it something else? I have to admit with a little age she is getting better. Her and I are opposite in many ways, accept for the sensitivity and caring of others. She has had a hard life like many of us, but to me there is no excuse for not respecting someone!

I am not like most women in many ways. I am completely natural, hate to shop, I love girlie things and I am very stylish; but in the same token I love to get down and dirty. I love to look nice and there is nothing like being clean and smelling good! Bubble baths are one of my favorite things to do, although I haven't been able to do it lately (long story) I grew up with one older brother so I am somewhat a tomboy, only in the ways of I like to watch sports and wrestle with my son, play baseball, tackle football get dirty. My passion is dancing and I adore all kinds of music. I am not beautiful (although I know for a fact inside I am) pretty I have heard a couple of times, cute and sexy are the words people describe me. I love funny movies and cry over love stories. Reading is another passion of mine! I am not a big TV person accept when American Idol starts (which was last night!) I think it is because of my love for music. I am a giver and have a hard time receiving. If I could I would fill my house with elderly people because they have the best stories and are very snuggely! I am extremely family oriented and mothers love me. I have always wanted a sister, and my dear friends have given me that! I am an awesome mother, daughter and friend! Very nurturing and loving in many ways! I have a HUGE heart and care deeply for everyone. I have no enemies (that I know of) and not many skeletons in my closet, and if I do they are small (miniature) I am a hard worker and will always be on time, always early. I keep all promises and if I can't I beat myself up. I love to laugh and live life simplest pleasures. I absolutely love gum ball rings and picked flowers! I am addicted to my children and mother. Friends are precious to me and with love I would be the happiest women alive!

Motto: Do unto others as you would have them to unto you! I try and live by this, I am no Angel and make mistakes; but try really, really hard!

Forever, Daisy

2007-01-10T03:57:00.000-08:00

Good Morning. Since it took me a 1/2 hour to get into my blog this will be short. Since my daughter moved back home this computer is impossible to do anything with! I can't stand it.

I get up earlier then anyone so that I can have my coffee in peace and "blog". I certainly don't like being up when it is still black outside. Because it took me so long to get in this morning I have had only two little sips of coffee. I hope the rest of the day goes my way...lol

Yesterday was a blur, I was so busy with this "Cold" house and getting it in order, we will be selling it in another 6-8 months; I can't wait! It has sucked the life out of me, construction since the day we all stepped foot in it, 6,000 wasted space to clean... etc etc I want a small cozy house with over stuffed couches and pillows on the floor, a picket white fence and a doll house to match so that I can go into it, throw the latch, sit in my little chase lounge (That I don't own, yet) snuggle with my blanket and a nice cup of hazelnut coffee and read by my space heater....lmao Hell I would take just the doll house. Damm you Jeannie, for making me want one for the last 28 years! lol

I am constantly running, and to think I wanted LOTS of kids. I admire those who have more then two because it is tough! But then again my whole world revolves around them and making them happy, safe and content. I guess if I didn't care and did my own thing that it would be easier, but I am true Mommy! I just hope that neither one of them suffer when I start working, but then again alot will change because they are so use to me doing everything for them. I guess I will have to make sure that the transission is as smooth as it can possibly be and hope for the best! Need to wake my baby boy now.

Have a great day! Forever, Daisy

2007-01-09T03:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have no idea what my daughter did to make the background hot pink; nor do I have time to figure it out! To think I not only received A+ in all my computer classes only 3 1/2 years ago not to mention Excellent awards for each comp class I took is so unbelievable to me! I haven't had my coffee yet, that's my excuse..... LMAO

Good Morning My Friends and Family. The weather as always really sucks today here in New York, even though it is only 6:14am I can tell what kind of day it is going to be, even without watching the News or weather channel. I think I "missed my boat". Man am I good! lol

I really can't complain because it is January and we have not had any snow and the weather up until yesterday has been great! Just wish I was in Florida still :( Everyone has to come back to reality some time; unfortunately!

My Maddie and her awesome family are going to Disney on the 16th maybe I can tuck myself in their bags, better yet just come right out and ask them if they need a Nanny to go with them; that way we are both happy, she gets to spend time with her hubby alone (which I can't believe for a second that they ever have that considering they are both work aholics and Maddie is the BEST Mommy ever!) <~~~Excluding Momma Corona and My Momma Kemak........ and I get to spend my time with "Very Yummy" Justin and "our" beautiful girls!

Get a life, that's what everyone is thinking right now which is fine, I NEED ONE!

I plan on cleaning this "cold" house today, picking up after my 19 year old daughter who all she seems to care about is her boyfriend, the computer, phone and eating to survive. Karate after school, then off to the Doctors with Miss. Tia.

I need some sort of social life that doesn't involve cleaning products or men! Think I will call my girl Karen (Not my Auntie) and make plans to go out Dancing this weekend. Sounds good!!!! First I will hit the gym to build up those quads. lmao Kidding, I am hot the way I am..... lmao Although I am paying every month for a gym that I have not been to since My Monkey got out of school for the summer. Not good! I have people calling me asking me when I am coming back and I keep saying on Monday and Monday comes and I am not there.. (Note...This has been every Monday for the last 8 months.)

I am off to have my coffee, make Monkeys lunch, get his clothes out and then the best part I lay and snuggle with him faithfully every morning and wake him with little kisses all over his handsome face, he loves it!

Have a Great day! Daisy

2007-01-08T06:12:00.000-08:00

"Just wondering why?"

I wonder why it is people who claim they are your Friends and say they Love you try everyday to make your life hardier then it already is, they talk behind your back and truly do not have your best interest at heart. There seems to be no loyalty anymore, just back stabbing and people looking out for themselves only; no matter if they step on you or over you to get to the top! They can't wait for you to turn your back so they can take your happiness and dreams and tear them apart. When did this change I wonder?

I remember way back when Friends would do anything to see you succeed and want the best for you, would go out of their way to make sure you reached your goals; and would stop thinking and reaching their own to make sure you achieved yours. They would have the phone by their heads at night just in case you called and needed them. Shared their darkest secrets with you and you them and both swearing to die with them, no matter what. Laugh and cry together even if their own lives weren't exactly as they planned it too be. Make time to be together, even if they didn't have a second for themselves. You would not only share in their glory, but their sorrows. Stand beside them even if you thought they were making the wrong decisions, let them make life's mistakes, and be there to pick them up when they fell. Friendship was so serious then that you not only were Friends, but went as far as to make a small slice of your own flesh in your hand and them theirs, taking it to a new level and become "Blood Sisters". Today I would not recommend doing this, just an example of the closeness of true Friendship back in the day.

I have many Friends from childhood that I still keep in touch with, that I love more today then yesterday and will love them and cherish them till the day I make my way to the Pearly gates, and believe me I will. (Lets just hope there is an elevator!) And some that even though we don't speak and haven't for 10-15 years know that if I pick up the phone and call them that they will travel to the end of the Earth to be with me, and I them!

I just recently called a "Blood sister" Areatha that I haven't spoke to in 15 years plus and we picked up where we left off, she was one of 4 of us that truly became Sisters and hung out tightly everyday in our teens. I put in the call because my daughter who lived with her father after 16 years of not knowing him and lived in my home town 5 1/2 hours away was having a problem with Aretha's family who might I add are a feared family back home. Neither Areatha nor my daughter knew each other and when I called I wasn't as nice as I usually am; I guess the protective mother came out in me.... Anyway, a truce was made between my daughter and her family and a reminder of how close we are and always will be! True Friendship never dies and remains the same no matter the distance or time in between! I adore you Areatha and always will cherish our Friendship!

When did Friendship change? Did it go out along with Simplicity? Why is it so hard to bond and make Great Friends? Why is everyone out to get each other? What happened to being their for one another? What happens to the "Good times?" Why Negativity, when you can have happiness together? Why back stab and talk behind your so called friends back, is there no more loyalty and trust anymore? Is there no more giggling and wishing on the stars? Why compete with one another, why can't you share in ones achievements?

Who do you share your hopes, dreams and laughter with? Without Friends what do we really have?

Loneliness??

Daisy

2007-01-07T06:22:00.000-08:00

Good Morning Friends and Family!

I am back from Florida and had a Great time with my beautiful Mother and family. It was so nice seeing her, I finally got her to take some pictures together, she hates her pic taken like most; but I didn't have any recent ones of us, if any at all. Most of my pics of her are her holding her hand in front of her gorgeous face, makes me sad because she is so beautiful inside and out, but she doesn't realize it; my hope is that she will stop worrying about what other people think and stop being so hard on herself. Live life and be happy with herself and her appearance. It is too bad that society says we need to look and act a certain way, it makes us women feel less of a women, and not good enough! It must be age with me, because I was a lot like my mother; and even though I am still very insecure with myself at times I have accepted that I am not perfect physically, but know that I am truly a gift and have the biggest heart ever! You can't have it all! I personally would rather be who I am mentally, spiritually and emotionally and have the tremendous heart that I have and my personality then to be drop dead gorgeous! I have and always will be "Cute" and that's okay with me, now. I can be sexy and I still hear often that there is "Something about me" whatever that means....lmao

I need to go put ALL of my Christmas decorations away, an all day project! Back to reality...... Yuk!

Forever, Daisy

2006-12-14T03:45:00.000-08:00

"I See Only Clearance"

I still don't have my Christmas shopping done. Dm shopped for our Michael because last year I did a horrible job. I got him a lot of things, which I thought were nice, but within a couple of weeks they were broken (Not all) but a lot. The ones I bought only. lmao They were not cheap as far as quality,, not sure what went wrong! Let's face it I am not a shopper, I am one of those who goes straight to the clearance racks in the back of the store. lmao It's like I have tunnel vision! Okay so the toys I got were toys that were way marked down, but I didn't think they would break! He was happy! Isn't that what really matters. I think it has to do with my past, childhood. I have expensive taste, but could never really afford it. I do like nice things and now after ALMOST 39 years I am starting to realize that "Quality is better then Quanity" Even though it kills me!

Example: I brought back this really great suit yesterday that I purchased a couple of weeks ago, I had bought two the one I wore already the sexy leopard one I still have, it is Hot! Anyway.... I got it on sale for $95.00, would have been $210.00. I liked it so much I went and bought a mauve and taupe one that was equally hot, but got to thinking yesterday and said "Teri where the hell are you going that you need this?", it still had the tags on it so I took it back and got store credit and went straight to the clearance lane. I walked away with a very sweet pair of jeans, another pair of pants, 2 very nice sweat pants (1 Grey and 1 Blue) 3 sweat jackets, and 6 tee shirts, the ones I can layer. All on clearance and all very nice, for the price of one pair of dress pants, a jacket and very hot satin halter top!

I love it!!

This is the best part.... My father gives me a $100 gift card to Jc Penny at Christmas, even though I have told him many, many times that I really don't care for that store...lmao But it is the thought and I appreciate it. Because I don't get much at Christmas I wait till after Christmas and go shopping when EVERYTHING is marked down! I walk away with so much more then if I were to buy it before Christmas. So I don't have anything under the tree, I don't care; Christmas is about the children and Jesus, not me! Anyway I really don't like getting Gifts. Anyway I am going on about nothing, like anyone is really reading this.....lmao lamo

Forever, Daisy

2006-12-13T03:37:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays Everyone!

I truly don't like this color, although many people said during Halloween that I looked great as a Devil in red.

Just trying to be festive. lmao

I just wanted those of you that love and care for me to know that I am doing great and that I am on my way to a better future and that my attitude on life and love has changed, but I am still me; inside.

I find myself very alone, but for the first time I am okay with it! I no longer need people around me that only want to bring me down, I am surrounding myself with positive people and positive things. And under the many situations that arise looking for the little bit of positiveness within it. Was that a word? Do I understand some that I feel have abandoned me, No; but still believe everyday that "Everything happens for a reason!" And if it were meant to be, that it will be; no matter what obstacles that come my way or people who are jealous and want company in their misery. I am now feeling really bad for those that want to hurt me and those I love because they themselves are so unhappy. I don't understand, nor ever will why it is this world is falling apart before my eyes; why people feel the need to go out of their way to hurt others! I am truly living each day for my children, mother, good friends, family and self. I try hard not to burden those that I adore with my fear and small problems and pain, but sometimes it is hard because I am not perfect and sometimes need to vent and I feel so bad because my best friend happens to be my mother and I hurt her with my life! When I call her I don't mean to let go and say everything, but it is hard because she is the only one I can truly talk to! I am sorry Mommy and promise that I will try harder to not hurt you anymore, I appreciate you being there for me and your great advice, but all I want is for you to be happy and I feel that sometimes I bring you down or hurt you and I know you know that it is not intentionally, but wrong! Please forgive me Mommy! I love, miss and adore you so much! All I truly want is happiness for those I love most and strive everyday to add to their happiness, even it is just a compliment, kind words or small gift from the heart, although some are really hard to please because of their own pain and struggles in life, which I understand! Everyone has pain in some form and it has always hurt me to know this, but I have also come to believe and know throughout my journey that I alone can not save them and the pain of the world. I wish I was Super Women, had powers to take away the suffering of those around me and the beautiful children with no one to love and nurture them, but unfortunately I am only one person with one huge heart and through my own experiences have come to the realization that besides those little ones people make their own decisions and choices and I can't save them or want to try and change them, only they can help themselves; all I can do is be there if they fall to pick them up. Everyone needs to make their own mistakes and God knows I have made mine! The one thing I remember my Mom saying to me is "To listen to your gut feelings" when she said this to me I have no idea, but as always she was right! I now listen to it like no other! It is such a powerful tool. It has not taken me in the wrong direction once, but steered me to the right decisions and path. I am so lucky to have a mother like mine, she is my treasure! If I had only listened to her, even just a few times instead of thinking I knew it all I would not have been in half the situations I was in, I would have been saved from the pain in my heart I endured! Today I always listen and follow what she says, even if it sounds off the wall. I wish for my own daughter that she would just listen once in a while, I want to save her the pain and struggles that I know she will have, but like me "strong headed" she won't. Like always when she gets hurt I will be there to pick her up, wipe away her tears and take on her pain as if it were my own! My baby is grown now and hopfully she will make the right choices and not follow in my shoes, see my life the way it was and want better for herself! I love you my baby girl!

To my Friends and my heart Maddie. I love you all so much and hope that Christmas brings you and your families great health and true happiness!

Forever, Daisy

2006-12-09T03:25:00.000-08:00

"Why, What and When?"

When did we lose the simplicity in our lives? And can we get it back?

What happen to the forgotten heros? And where are their familes, did we forget them too?

When did Christmas become so materialistic? Did everyone forget who's Birthday it was, does anyone celebrate or buy gifts for Jesus or do they only think about thenselves and what they will get?

Why do people intentionally set out to hurt others that they claim they love? Is this the way it was intended to be?

What happened to a smile, a big bear hug or a simple kiss on the forehead? Do they mean nothing anymore? Or was it just part of the game?

Why get diamonds when you could have a bubble gum ring? Are they really a girls best friend?

When did people start turning on other people to get ahead? Can they really sleep at night?

What ever happened to loyality between friends and family? Is there no such thing anymore?

When did love become the foundation to a relationship? Shouldn't it be trust?

Why do people think your crazy if you smile and laugh all the time? Have we become that angry in this life?

Why is it so bad to want to surround yourself with positive people, even if it means separateing yourself from the ones you truly loved?

Why is there a war going on? And when does it end? Haven't we all seen enough pain, and death?

Whatever happened to loving your neighbor just because you do and not because you want something?

When did life become one big game, a competition? Why can't we be happy for ones accomplishments and not jealous?

Why is there still prejudice people? So many decades have passed and pain and we are still teaching our children color. We all bleed the same color does that not mean something?

Why say something if you don't really mean it? Think hard before you do, it may prevent someones feelings being hurt.

Why do people throw the words I love you around? We all know it is really easy to say, but what happened to truly meaning it?

When did we forget the true meaning of friendship? Being there for each other and wanting the very best for them, not who has more.

When did TV take over family time? Now there is no talking, not even during commercials.

Why can't adults swing anymore without others thinking they went off the deep end? Is that jealousy too?

When did we stop caring for others and only think about ourselves? Isn't there something really wrong with this?

What happens now with the global warming, will our grand children and their children not be able to go out and play? Is that when tecnology totally takes over?

What happened to true love? Was there any such thing? Or did that die too?

When did we stop having compassion for others? Can you really walk over a human in need? Step on them when they are down?

Why is it so hard to believe that people have mental illness? Look at society and where we are now compared to decades ago, I think everyone one of us is in some way screwed up, can you really blame them? Why not accept it and help or itleast understand it, not everyone can handle life today.

What ever happened to perserving the Earth as we know it? We were all given a gift and now we on a daily basis abuse it.

Why is it so hard to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" Are we all that busy in life to stop and think for 5 seconds before we speak or take action?

When did foreplay replace kissing and holding each other? Does anyone else feel this way?

What ever happened to holding hands, laying in each others arms not just after sex, but anytime. Do we not understand the word intimacy anymore either?

Why must everything be complicated now? I don't remember life being so difficult.

What happened to respect for others and yourself? It seems that the way we speak to one another has changed with time also. And we allow people to take advantage of our right to be talked to in the right way.

Why don't I see people dancing in the rain anymore and enjoying the little things that cost nothing? Or is it just me that got true enjoyment out of it and wanted to believe I was not alone.

Why has it come down too only giving to receive? Expecting something in return? Did we also lose that meaning too?

What happened to getting in your car with the ones you love and driving around on a Sunday afternoon with the windows down and the music playing, not needing to say anything just enjoying each others company? No where to go, nothing to do, just letting go for the afternoon.

When did we forget that having one great friend is better then having tons of people who are only out to hurt you. Cherishing them and wanting nothing but happiness and peace for your friend.

What happened to truth, even if it hurts, in the end it is appreciated and hurts less.

Why can't we accept people for who they are instead of always wanting to change them? Accepting them or leaving them alone all together.

When do we open our eyes and finally see, we have been given sight, but have lost our common sense.

Why do people steal and sneak when they have everything given to them and only need to ask?

What happens when your heart breaks? And can it be repaired without surgery?

Why does tickling cause you pain and laughter at the same time?

Why is there so much hatred today and lack of love?

Why are people still having babies to turn around and give them up, when there are so many babies already with no one to love and nuture them out there in this world?

When did divorce become so easy and replace the fight in us to make things work?

What ever happened to thinking of the children first instead of our own needs?

When did our own goverment turn on us or has it always been that way and we just had blinders on?

When did our right to vote and it matter end? Who decided for us who should make our rules and us have to live by them without our say in it? Or was it always like that and we were brain washed into thinking that we were that important.

I could go on about the things that I don't understand and wish I could change in this very cruel and changed world, but the truth is I am alone in my stuggle with society and the way those around me choose to live, think and behave. There are no answers to my questions, and sadly enough I have stopped asking because today if you should ask these very simple things you are deemed crazy or need help.

I can only hope and pray that my childrens future is not affected by those millions of people that have forgotten what the true meaning of love, respect, peace and simplicity really are. And that because I do teach my children everyday not to see color, but people's hearts, that there is still hope although they need to search their own precious hearts to find it, that there are still people that have compassion for others and that it is okay not to be perfect and let them make their own mistakes without judgement. That even though they may be looked at the wrong way that it is okay to run through a feild of flowers and swing till they reach the sky to dance their hearts out in the rain if even for one day, to reach for their goals and live their dreams even if they feel alone that there are people out there trying just like them even if they are far and few between. To not give up because of the hatred that has overcome most and that it is okay to admire what one has, but jeaously will only get them hurt. I pray and pray and pray that someday it will change, because I still have hope.

Forever, Daisy

2006-12-08T04:04:00.000-08:00

I forgot what was so simple and cute. Last night Michael and I were in bed and I had a headband on and he looked over at me and said "Mommy you look so cute with that thing on your head, you look 10 years old!" He hugged me and said "ahhhh you look so cute" he kept looking over at times and smiling at me. I should try wearing one more often! The only reason why I had it on was to keep my hair out of the tolilet bowl, but heck I will have to loose the make up all together and oil of olay and get me some more headbands....lmao God love my little Monkey! Forever, Daisy

2006-12-08T03:46:00.000-08:00

How I missed you my diary, my blogger friend. There are reasons why I have not written my thoughts, hopes and dreams out. There seems to be people close to me or claim that they love me that are threatened by what they think I have written. They are truly full of themselves and don't know me to well; or should I say "The new me" They don't quite understand that "I am back!" even though I have repeated myself many, many times. Anything I have to say I WILL SAY IT TO THEIR FACE! I don't lie and I don't hide anything. The truth may hurt, but it must be told!

Why must people sneak and hide when I have opened my life to them? It is so sad in many ways because they themselves have no lives so they have to live mine. Take it, I scream. Live in my sneakers for a day or two, can you handle the burden, I think not!

I will write and not censor anything, because I don't have to! I am real and tell the truth and I can be blunt when I need too. You want to know the truth then read on folks. "Where did y'all get that there brain anyway?"

My life right now is as good as it gets. I have great friends, a "little" but wonderful family and they all support me!

I have "huge" goals, ones that I am chipping away at everyday and I am happy and full of life! Sick right now, but happy....lol As happy as you can be when you can't breath and are vomiting...lmao

I am going to see my beautiful Mommy in Florida, leaving Christmas day. Going to see my Pop and little brother Corky. I can't wait!

My Monkey just woke up so I need to go snuggle with him right now, but I will be back with some really juicy stuff, promise!

Forever, Daisy

2006-11-01T19:04:00.000-08:00

I have so many beautiful stories to tell and one very sad one, but tonight I will only leave you with a few words.

I am tired physically, mentally and spiritually....

Although I was inspired today and yesterday of the things that happened in my life and what I have seen in others; I am not inspired to write, or should I say "blog" I have written each and every word down and will keep it to myself for a couple of days and when I am ready I will as always spill my heart onto the floor, but tonight is like last night I feel alone and with my thoughts I will try to sleep and wake tomorrow hoping that it was all a bad dream!

Michael asked me why I am working so hard and when I told him, he said "Mommy, my only job is to smile" Keep smiling baby, because you have no idea or can even begin to realize at your young age that your smile gets me out of bed in the morning, keeps me going through the day and will make me work even harder tomorrow as today!

He has my heart and I know that he will be okay!

I love you Mommy! Good Night and Sweet Dreams, Your Daisy

2006-10-30T04:36:00.000-08:00

"The Blues Traveler" "Just wait"

This has been one of my favorite songs for a very long time, and today I would like to dedicate it to all of the people I love most, since I can't sing it to you I will write it out for you. Keep in Mind and Heart that if you don't give up that "It will come!"

If ever you are feeling like you're tired

And all of your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill

If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you

And your appetite for pain has drinken its fill

I ask of you a very simple question

Did you think for one minute that you are alone

And is your suffering a privilege you share only

Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home

Just wait

And it will come

If you think I've given up on you you're crazy

And if you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong

In time you just might take to feeling better

Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation

But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud

I say this without fear of hesitation

I can honestly tell you that you make me proud

Just wait

And it will come

Just wait

And it will come

If anything I might have just said has helped you

If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on

Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle

And your appetite for pain may all but be gone

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping

Until that smile has once again returned to your face

There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying

Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace

Just wait

And it will come

Just wait

And it will come

Just wait

And it will come

2006-10-29T10:29:00.000-08:00

"Magical Moments"

Michael and I went to bring the toys to the Sisters thrift shop and what should have been a 20 min act of kindness turned into an adventure, and a very beautiful one at that!

I went to the store and there was no one there so I went to the house right next to it thinking and writing in my blog earlier that I thought the Nuns lived there, well they don't a boy/teenager came to the door and told me in broken English that they were over there and he pointed to his left, I looked up and through the trees saw an amazing sight; one that I never saw before, maybe because I was unable to see the last time I was there?

So Michael and I got back into the car and followed the pretty stone wall to this awesome entrance, and of course I had to take pictures; how could you not. I only had my cell phone and wished that I had my real camera because things just got better and better! When we reached the top of the driveway there stood a lonely church in desperate need of love and help. And unbelievable grounds that went on forever. We walked up to the church and at the same time peered in and then looked at one another and I could swear that he felt the same thing, inside the pews were on the floor, bolts and screws every where and the only thing in one piece was the alter where the priest stands and praises our Lord. I explained everything to Michael, and he was eager to learn. I looked at him and said Michael there are many buildings on this property are you up for the challenge? Knowing in my heart what his answer would be, because he is my baby. He said "Yup, let me zip my jacket and we will find them sisters mommy, so we can give them my toys to help them build Gods home again!" We must of knocked on 20 doors and every bell, no one in sight. The first building's sign was called "Saint Theresa" a coincidence? Or is there a reason for everything? There were many signs and statues and they all were so beautiful. As we walked hand in hand the wind blowing the leaves falling I said to myself that I wish this moment would never end, it was magical and as we walked we talked about God and Michael was filled with questions and I was there to give him the right answers. I took a picture of the Virgin Mary outside of the church before we got ready to leave and saved it as wallpaper. Michael wanted to look into the windows of the church again and asked if we could come back and I was like, YES! With a huge smile because I wanted to go back there. Although we might have to ask, trespassing is another thing I had to explain...Smiling

We drove on the other side to another building that was to far to walk to but looked as if it belonged, and it was filled with vans and cars, a small place; but cozy in it's own special way. I tried the first door and it was open and the second opened to a dining room and the place was decorated for Halloween and when I looked over to my left there were 4 wheelchair's and in them very cute, mentally challenged men. I said "hello" and they smiled at me, they were eating their lunch. A nurse came out and I asked her where I can find the Sisters and she said up the street they built a new house, I thanked her; smiled at the sweet souls that occupied those temporary chairs and left. I explained everything to Michael and he again was touched as I was.

I almost bottomed out my Jag going through this ragged gate on this dirt road trying to find the house, I came upon a school and Michael said "Mommy I love that school can I go to it?" and I said you have a school Michael why would you want to go to this one and he said "Because I love old things, you know mommy antique, like you." God I love him! I saw a coach playing soccer with his kids in the school field and I asked him if he knew where the sisters lived because I was at the end of my road, meaning the road ended...Smiling. He told me to take a right and it was down there, oops he missed a field goal, sorry; we left. We were on a mission to get these toys to the sisters so that they could give them to the kids who didn't have anything and it has been over an hour now since we started this journey, and we were not going to give up. Not knowing the time, we finally found the new house and with it was a brand new church with so many cars in the lot, we found them! We pulled in and parked. We started to get out and my cell phone was in my jacket and fell to the ground, my hair whipping all around and Michael came over to me and said "mommy I don't think we should go in there today, it is Sunday and they might be praying, we should not interrupt them!" and then he said "I am happy that we found them, but maybe we can come back tomorrow." I looked down at my cell phone and was like oh no Andrew Michaels playdate would be there in a few mins and the time just flew by, I looked at the church and then at Michael and said 'Honey you are so smart and your right we found them and we will come back." We jumped into the car and I called Guia to see if she left her house and when I opened my phone there was the "Virgin Mary", but there were two of her, so I went to my pictures and there she was saved as one, so I shut my phone and opened again and there were still two, well one and a half so I showed Michael and asked him what he thought and explained to him that there was only one and he was like "mommy I know that!" and he then said and I will forever remember this "Mommy the big one is you and the half of one is me and god did that because we worked so hard to get the toys to the nuns so they could make money by selling my toys for cheap to the little kids so they could build his home again and that's because we believe in him so he let us know!"

He was listening to everything I said on our magical walk through our little slice of heaven!

Daisy

2006-10-29T05:23:00.000-08:00

Hey.

I watched the 'Break up" last night upstairs with Derek and Michael, but didn't get to finish it because Michael was laying on my chest and I could not stop laughing and he was tired, so I was told to go to my room. I finished it and I tell you it hit home. If you don't laugh you will cry, I know I say this a lot but that is just one of my defensive mechanism's. Really good movie.

I had my Mom on the phone last night and I ws trying to keep everything positive, keeping my conversation with Tia's father to myself not wanting to hurt her anymore than she already is about the whole situation. Tia is ok, but the things he said about my daughter had me in hysterics. Plain evil. Michael was up stairs playing and I was laying on my bed downstairs sobbing to the point that I thought I ws going to be sick. I have never in my life heard a father talk about his own daughter the way he did. He pretty much said that he didn't love her among other horrible things that I can't mention for two reasons one my beautiful, sensitive mother reads my blogs and two because I will break down again and I need to keep it together for my son.
Derek was out and came in and said what's wrong and I told him the awful things he said and all he had to say was "Teri you know he is a scumbag, are you going to let him ruin your day?" "He didn't see Tia for 16 years, did you really think the prick loved her?" I know Derek has a hard time expressing his emotions, but I would rather him not say anything at all. He left the room.

I was thinking. If God forbid that was Michael and I had not seen him in 16 years and left when he was 3 and Derek knew that Michael longed for me and thought of me always and I not so much as even called him in 16 years or sent him a Birthday card, that Michael laid in bed at night and cried for me and Derek had a wife/girlfriend that treated Michael like shit and never even acknowledged him and every chance she got put him down and called his mother a piece of shit, when she knew that her boyfriend/husbands son's problems in life stemmed from not having his own mother around, but watched everyday their daughter get everything, but he nothing but material things once in a while; but only needed love from the opposite sex, a mother figure, but she wasn't capable of loving anyone but her own blood how would he feel? And when Michael graduated from school and decided to seek me out and Derek's wife at the same time kicked Michael out of the house, so he had no choice but to go find me. And I was living above a bar with 3 other women, had bad credit and couldn't get my own place because I owed Gas and Electric and every other utility company, so Derek paid half the rent and bills and Michael put everything in his name so that he could live with me. 3 Months later I am physically fighting with Michael and verbally abusing him, not buying food because I worked at two restaurants and ate there, only took him in so that I could get out from above the bar and Michael had a big disability check pending so I would be living large and after those 3 months I was going to throw him out on the streets because the check didn't come in and I had moved my friends in and didn't need Michaels help or Derek. But Derek wife said that Michael was not allowed in their home to figure it out on his own, that she was moving her mother into the apartment and it was his problem.

Tell me how he would feel?

I had my mom on the phone last night, and she got a taste of the way Derek talks to me. I couldn't even get two words in because he was attacking me verbally about stupid things like "why is there a bowl on the patio with white shit in it?" and I forgot to take it in before he got home because I know it would cause him to fight with me. So I told him. "I give milk to the Black cat that lives across the street who is always in our yard hunting" Thank God my mother couldn't see the way he looked at me, she would have been hurt, but she did here his words and that was enough; not even worth typing them out and wasting my breath. My point being that I can't be myself without getting in trouble.

I got a pedicure and manicure and my eye brows waxed the other day (which I rarely do) Derek had left me $20 cash and a credit card, I never have cash on me, but don't really need it so it doesn't matter, I bought a coffee and gum and because Tan did such a great job and his stories touched me I gave him a ten dollar tip, 5 for the manicure and 5 for the pedicure plus I gave Michael 5 for doing my eye brows. So yesterday I asked Derek to leave me money for Michael's co-pay to get his allergy shots and he said I just gave you 20 and I told him what I spent it on, always explaining myself and he didn't like it at all. He was like you what? I said do you have any idea how hard these people work and the great job they did not to mention they made me feel incredibly comfortable. He was like that's why I don't give you money because you always give it away. It wasn't giving it away, that's who I am; I give credit where credit is due! I gave them every last penny and you know what I will do it again and again and again! I will not change who I am for no one! I don't spend money, I hate shopping and if I want to give everything I have in my wallet I work hard and I will do with it as I wish. He walks around with hundreds and would trip over a desperate person on the street, me I would give them the shirt off my back! Two different people.
Another example..... We are having Michaels room painted so Derek took all of Michaels toys he didn't play with anymore and put them into bags and asked if I would help him bring them to his car, I asked where he was bringing them and he said to the drop box on 32, I have been by there a million times and every time I see that the boxes are full so people leave them on the ground and with all the rain they get ruined so I said put them in my car and I will bring them to the Sisters thrift shop, 3 Nuns run this old abandoned school in the next town; out in the country and out in front is a hand painted sign that says "The sisters thrift store" it is touching. Then they live in this peach colored totally square cement building/house next to it, the grass is over grown and it is sad because I happen to find it when I got lost one day out driving around doing nothing and went in and they are the sweetest ladies/Nuns little Italian women who work hard. There ws a bean bag that I had bought Michael last year so he could sit and play his games and four huge garbage bags and he was like you are not going to fit all that stuff in the Jag and I said just put them by my car and I will get them in and I ws determined. All he did was say watch that and watch that be careful with the car, you can't fit that and I was like oh yes I am and did! I might look like a homeless person living in my care when I drive there, but I don't care about things like that I know in my heart that those toys will go to children without anything and that those beautiful Nuns will make sure of it!

This is why I don't watch the news.....
I read this morning on AOL news, and not that I wanted too; but because that is what I see when I go to my mail box. And fell in love with this black cat and started reading about her. In Boise Idaho the animal shelter there and many around the country are prohibiting the adoptions of black cats only until Nov. 2 because with Halloween they fear that some people will adopt these beautiful creatures to mistreat, abuse and use them in Satanic rituals. It broke my heart. What is this world coming too? That is one reason why it is so important to me that I find love, because if you do look at the news and read the newspaper all you see is crime, hatred, evilness and lack of love for other people. Where did all the love go? Respect? passion? If I wasn't allergic to cats I would fill my house with every black cat in Orange county and the surrounding counties I swear. And I will make sure that my friend across the street (Benny, I named him) is spared this Halloween and every other as long as I live in this cold house. If I watched the news I would be out in the world trying to save it and in the process forget about me again, my heart is too sensitive. So if you know me and want to talk about whats going on in the world today I don't need to know, please spare me. I am intelligent enough and know things without hearing or reading about them for example which is common sense, It doesn't surprise me that the gas prices have gone down almost a dollar and change because the election is coming up. Hello!

2006-10-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

"Since I woke up from a long, restless sleep"

I believe, truly I do for the very first time in many, many years I believe! And it feels so incredibly amazing!

When I say I finally woke up it's because for years I was in denial of how depressed and anxiety filled my heart, mind and soul were.

I was always telling my Tia in a gentle way that it wasn't her fault that she needed medication, but she needed it to function not only because of the brain damage she suffered at birth, but to deal with the pain and crulity of the world and because of her many illness's and her huge heart and sensitivity that she would not be able to cope and make it without help. I was always consumed with getting her better and feeling her pain that in the process I forgot about me, but the beauty that came from it all was in her own way weather it was verbally painful to hear for me she was thinking about my pain while I felt hers. Then came the day that while I was trying to tell her in a heated argument that she had to take her medication after finding out that she wasn't in anger she screamed at me that I needed medication too.

I was upset at the moment and again denied that I needed help, that I was in pain myself from the years of abuse inflicted on me not only physically, but emotionally, verbally and spiritually as well. Until the day my baby left this cold house and I was alone with my pain in her old room sleeping in her bed, every night crying myself to sleep wondering if she would make it out there in this world with a father who had not seen, loved or cared for her in 16 years, without me holding her hand all through her life and trying to make up for the pain she has suffered. Living and breathing my children and small family always and never thinking about myself.

After 7 times in the Emergency room thinking I was having a heart attack and being to afraid to reach out to anyone, driving myself there and hoping that I didn't die in the process because I had two beautiful children to live for and a mother who would die with me and true friends that cared and loved me, being hooked up several times to EKG's to find out that I was having panic attacks that were so bad that they literally enlarged my heart and lungs, but were not life threatening. To turn away from my Primary Doctor in embarrassment to go to another because I couldn't think, my brain was in a blackout, I couldn't carry on an intelligent conversation if I tried really hard, or answer my children when they asked about when they were younger; so bad that I would have to say "I'll be right back and either call my mother and ask her if she remembered or look the answer up in one of my many journals" It was that bad and more. I choose a Doctor who didn't know me and as soon as I got in his office and when he sat down and asked me about myself I told him "I need a CT scan, there is something really wrong with my brain; I can't think and I don't remember anything not even what I had for dinner the previous night" he looked at me and smiled, he was a joker and I remember that day like it was yesterday he said "How did you get that tiny scar on your face, the one where I would imagine you can only see when you cry or laugh?" I couldn't believe it, I finally was admitted to myself and another human being that there was something wrong and he wanted to know where I got my scar. And being me I answered him. Saying "I was in kindergarten and my best friend Lynn had this dog and she wanted me to pick him up, and kept saying he won't bite I promise!"; in between sobs I was telling him the whole story forgetting all the while why I was there, in my mind I was there so he could fix my scar that's how sick I was. So I continued and told him that I picked the dog up and the next thing I know the dog bite my face and I let go and he hung there nawing at my face, shaking his head around like he wanted to rip it off. I was crying and wet my skirt (Catholic school) and tights. While waiting for the ambulance I was saying that I was scared not because my face was destroyed and there was blood all over me, but because I was not supposed to be at Lynn's house; something we did a lot. She promised me one of her skirts and I was taken away to the hospital. The Doctor then said "I will be right back" and I was like what? Thinking all the while that I was going off the deep end. He came back with this stuffed bulldog, with his hands wrapped around it's neck and said "I got the bastard, is this him?" Then I thought okay I am not losing it, he is! To sick to realize at the time that he was trying to make me feel better, that he saw my pain and only wanted me to smile; knowing that I was not dying, but depressed.

He came right out and said it "your depressed and filled with anxiety, your hands are shaking, your in a bad relationship etc etc he read me like a book and it freaked me out, to the point where my first reaction was to get and leave and tell him that he needed some help, not me. But Tia's words came flooding back to me and I owed this to her to listen to this man, this doctor no matter how freaked out I was and uncomfortable with the whole stuffed dog gig. So he started to write me a script for Zoloft (anti-depressant) and that's when I spoke I said listen Doc I don't want Zoloft, if you are going to give me something then please give me Paxil, my mother is on it and it works for her and believe me her life is better now because she has a man who not only loves her deeply, but knows her past history of abuse, pain and suffering and remains by her said. I don't have what she has, but we are biological and I feel in my heart that if you what you say is true than I can only hope that I will have the same affect and someday when I am well have a man to love me for who I am and hold my hand through the good times and the bad! He tore up the Zoloft script and gave me Paxil.

It has been 4 months now and I am back, I am awake, I have a voice and a memory; I remember too much and that's why when my best friend Maddie told me about blogging I jumped on it and I may talk way too much, but please understand that I was asleep for many, many, many years and have so very much to say and rarely have anyone to say these things too. I have my Paxil and my free therapist, my Diary.

Thank you Tia, my sweetheart

for making mommy see again, for giving me my life back; you are so precious and have given me something no one else has, my very soul, mind and heart back in the right places and a voice that will be heard and a chance at love. I will always be grateful to you and for having you. I love you around the world and back again!

Mommy

2006-10-27T04:22:00.000-07:00

"My Beautiful Friend Maddie"

I know my friend that you have a hard time excepting compliments and I do understand because I have been there and in ways still am, but you need to start believing in yourself and excepting them if not from others then from me, I am your friend for life, your soul sister, your partner, and so much more. I love you more than words can describe and I know that you feel that.

You have given me an incredible gift Maddie and I didn't even ask, you took my words and made them reality; that is so powerful, so deep and sweet! Not many people are like us Maddie, we have a language of our own, we can feel each others pain even with the distance between us. We have been through so many hard times together and in our own ways with our own language and deep love for each other held each other up when we couldn't stand ourselves, gave each other hope when we couldn't see it in our own lives, embraced each other because we can and want to, we didn't give up when our lives felt like they would never get better, but we had each other and the fear of losing you or you me made us push past the pain and move on. You are my rock and I will forever shine you and keep you safe, protect you as if you were my child.

We have also had so many good times. Laughed from our bellies, something you can't just do with anyone, we bring out the child in us and live the day through their eyes, be silly and at the same time deep, we feel for others the same way, our hearts beat as one, we are affected by the world and it's pain, but share in the simple things that are still there infront of us. We are I believe cut from the very same mold. Like you said last night we are water signs and we absorb everything around us. I cherish you my friend and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, tell you how much I love you even if your not hear physically know in my heart that you heard me, as I hear your love for me. I will always protect you and love you Maddie, you are one of my beautiful Angels.

You moved me last night as you always do, and with every year knowing you and having you in my life it gets deeper and deeper. You captured what I dreamed daisy Dots to be in everyway, from the color, the picture and words to the true meaning of Simplicity!

I thank you my Love.

Believe Maddie, that is what this is what not only Daisy Dots and Girlie Bits is all about, but our new journey and life. Together.

I love you so very much! Daisy

2006-10-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

"Pork Chop and Monica"

Or should I say Monica and Pork Chop, because if it were not for Monica; there would be no little Pork Chop.

Let me start from the very beginning....

One day at my sons Karate lesson I was sitting in the front row as I always do, next to an older women whom I have never meant. I am friendly and new to the area and like to meet new people; but she was reading so I just smiled and gave her, her space. And across the way sat a women around my age and she was having an argument on the phone with someone, the reason why I know this is because the women next to me tried to get me to comment on how rude "she" thought she was being, that she should go outside; I wasn't going to sit there and talk about someone who, one was not loud and two who is just being real, let's face it people we all have arguments and that's life, you can pretend that everything is perfect in your world if you want to, but while your here in this world around people who are "real" you should really do yourself a favor and get with the program, start living reality and not fantasy; I wish I could be a fly for one day on your wall. Anyway, I wish I could of said that. I get so tired of people talking about others; not knowing who they are or even thinking for a minute about what their lives are like or the problems they might have. She wasn't bothering anyone, so she should have taken her book outside on the bench or to her car, because she sure wasn't there to watch her children's lessons. I love to read, but the whole time she spent there her nose was in her book and the women on the phone was watching her son and commenting on how good he was doing. The only time she stopped reading was to be ignorant!

Getting back to my story....

The next week came and I found myself sitting next to this women who was on the phone the previous week. We smiled at one another and watched our kids, me not knowing which child was hers and vice versa.

Master Joe gave my Michael a high five and asked him to check off self-control on the board, so when he came by me I smiled and gave him the thumbs up. She said to me "That must be your son, he looks like you!" And I of course said "You really think so?" all excited because not many people say that to me about either one of my babies. I gave birth and did all the work, but the fathers get all the credit....Smiling.

Now I can officially call her Monica. Not knowing her son I said "I love watching Michael, but there is this really yummy kid in here that I just want to bite, he is so cute and really funny. And out of all the kids there in class that day it was the one and only "Pork Chop" Monica's baby boy. He is so incredibly cute! People might mistake him to be around 6 or 7 because he is a healthy boy, but he is only 5. He has this beautiful round face and a big smile to match. Only a mommy or someone who loves kids can see that he is still a baby.

Now that I know Monica she has said that I can bite him, but Pork Chop disagrees, he won't even let me nibble.....Smiling. Gotta love kids, they are so honest! He laughed when I asked if I could just nibble, maybe someday when he knows me better I will sneak in a bite...

Monica and I have talked for a total of 2 1/2 hours total and I look forward to speaking to her more. Talk about "real", everything about her so far is just that! She has been through hell and back and I can sit here and talk about her business, but I am loyal to ones personal situations and stories that they trusted me to open up too, a stranger really in some ways. I call that respect for others feelings.

I will tell you this and I will keep saying this over and over so get use to it. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!

Monica is a single mom of who I am going to call "our" Pork Chop... She will never know....Laughing. She is an RN and fought to get there, that's all you need to know about this very sweet women Monica, the rest my friends is history!

I was an LPN, going for my dream as an RN. Single mother of my baby Tia. I struggled and fought for my dream as did Monica. The rest you already know or will know.

The rest is the Future, if it were really meant to be it will be no matter who stands in the way or what obstacles you may have to climb over or pain you may endure. "To be or not to be, that is the question."

Getting back to Tyler aka Pork Chop and the day his Grandfather and Mother named him.

Tyler has never had meat, he doesn't want anything to do with it, sounds like my son. His Grandfather was eating a Pork Chop and Tyler grabbed it from his hand and ran with it throughout the whole house, laughing all the way; never once trying it! Monica said he was under the bed, everywhere.

He ran here and there , in a train, past the bus up the ladder please don't cuss, by the pail with a snail, under the bed oh my don't hit your head, across the floor by the door in the air back to the floor...let me stop that was for my friend who wanted to talk in kids riddles today.

How funny kids can be, so simple; so sweet!

Hold on to that memory Monica and cherish it like I know you will, wrap it up tight in gold paper and tie it with a special bow, put it deep in your heart and never let go because that was a very special day, mark the date down; write it on the wall do whatever you need to because that was when Pork Chop was born!

Love, Daisy

2006-10-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

"One day in my sandals"

To start I don't want anyone thinking that I am complaining, or that I have it so bad because if anyone knows that there are many, many people out there that have it worse than I do, it is me!

If you don't laugh, you will cry....

I started my day off waking up from a really horrible nightmare, I was scared and couldn't think straight. I dreamt that DM was in an accident and didn't live through it this time, and that I was sitting down trying to explain to my son that his Daddy was in Heaven. I couldn't move out of fear that it was true this time, so I reached for my cell phone and called him on his; not knowing if he was home or not. When he picked up he sounded at first mad and I couldn't make a big deal about it because every time in the past when I tried to bring up his drinking and driving it turned into a fight. So I just said I was just wondering if you were home I had a bad dream and his reply was "Why don't you come upstairs" not "Are you ok" or "Tell me about it" He has known me for 9 years and knows I don't have nightmares and for me to call him which I never do in the morning you would think he would ask, but all he could think of was the piss hard on he had. I hung up and went and got my coffee.

Then after his shower he came down and started telling me what I needed to do today for him as far as the house, not asking me my plans and agenda. Ok, stop right there. I have 100 mini cupcakes to make and decorate for our sons Karate Halloween party tomorrow and I am not Betty Fucking Crocker (lmao), I need to do wash (Michaels uniform), run to the library, make dinner so Michael can eat before he goes to his lesson (an hour before so his belly doesn't get sick with the work out) , run to the craft store to find mini cupcake holders, Go to my PTA meeting at Michaels school, make a million phone calls regarding Tia, Go to the UPS store to mail a package, make the beds, clean the bird cage, etc etc, maybe eat myself some time today. And the list goes on. So he left.

I got a call last week from the class mother and she wanted to know if I wanted to come to the party, and we got talking. She asked me what I wanted to bring and I told her I would make cookies. She said can I talk to you about something and me being me said "Ofcourse!" she said that Michael and her sons teacher wants her to throw a party for the kids and that she wanted to know what I thought, so I let her talk (Yes, I listened...lol) She said that the teacher wanted her to get 25 kids in their costumes, eat treats brought in from the mothers/fathers, have an activity, and trick or treat around the class room. Sounds good..... She said that the teacher was giving her an hour to do this and asked me what I thought about musical chairs with a stuffed pumpkin. She said she never did anything like this before and just wanted to know what I thought about it. After she finished I asked her if she wanted me to sugar coat it for her or did she want the truth, and meeting her once before at the field trip and seeing for myself that she is a strong women she said "The truth" I also said "listen so and so I don't want to step on your toes" and she said "please I am asking you, I am not like that, you won't be stepping on my toes but helping me out here!" so I said number one there is no way in hell that you, yourself can get 25 kids in their costumes, that I have a hard time with one. That the musical chair thing is a great idea, but the chairs are in one huge square and that she would have to move the chairs in a circle and find a tape recorder because the teacher did not have one or either did she, have a party with cupcakes and cookies and have them trick or treat in ONE HOUR, impossible! I said listen I saw you in action when we were on the field trip and I have to say you do resemble wonder women and could possibly have her power too, but we all, including myself have rasised our children teaching them that they can not go to collegel to become a super hero, that she needed to forget the musical chair thing that it ws a great idea, but she had limited time and to have pin the triangle on the pumpkin (nose...lol) and place the missing eye ball on the mummy; make two lines and if she needed me to help I would take one half and her the other. Don't ask the teacher, but tell her that you needed more than an hour, that it will take itleast 1/2 hour to get these kids in their garb, hell with all the accessories these days you may need more time then that but she could work with it. Then the big question came, would you be my partner and ofcourse I said yes. She thanked me and said please don't think for a min that you stepped on my toes, I appreciate the help! She also told me that she didn't want to be class mom to begin with. I didn't tell her that they wanted me to be class mom in the beginning of school, but I just didn't have the time to devote and when I do something I put my all into it so I had to refuse this year, but will help anyone who asks me; I don't like throwing things in peoples faces.

Now comes the blow.... I get a call from another mother who says to me, hi Teri I can't tell you my name and you don't know who I am , but you had my son on the field trip and one of my friends was there and told me that you were wonderful and awesome with my son, thank you so much! I said no problem, very weary that someone could not tell me their name. But the class mom is really upset at you for telling her what to do with the party on the 31st , me and the other mothers know you are not like that and like you very much, but want you to know what's being said. I was blown away! Here I was trying to help and this class mom and I got along at the field trip even sat together and meant once before leaving school because our sons were talking, and she called me and this is what I get for being me...... I have to laugh. Now what do I do? I am fairly new here and everyone has money and is very clicky and now I have to worry about me being helpful taken as me wanting to hurt someone's feelings; how will this effect Michael?

Then I get a call from this agency and they tell me sorry but we can not help your daughter, after telling me that they were doing everything they could and not getting back to me and giving me hope. 3 weeks of them saying they are working on it not to worry, that they will help or find someone who will! Her father keeps calling me saying the same thing" when are you going to get HER out of here, you have a week!" If I here it again I am going to explode, and it takes me a lot.

I truly don't understand people these days! It makes me believe all the more that this world is coming to an end; Armageddon. The sadness, cruelty, the anger and pain. I can't even watch the news or read the newspaper because it hurts me too much! I have all the pain right here in my own home, and just can't take the worlds pain on too.

Then to top it off my sons teacher calls me at 11:36am and says Mrs. McCabe do you have a min, and I said yes, and she said did michael tell you about the incident yesterday and I said what incident? Michael came home very happy as usual. And she said "It's not a big deal and everything is fine now, I talked to both boys and they are fine." and I said could you please tell me what happened. She said that Michael went up to one of his friends that was out sick and high fived him and gave him a half a hug and a kiss on the side of the head, she thinks. and she stepped in and said that it was inappropriate. I was like your kidding me right. I totally understand the whole sexual hatassment thing and having your own space, but it was the way she said it. Michael has 4 friends that he has been friends with since pre-K and every time they see each other they embrace and tell each other that they missed one another. Just a couple weeks ago they were all at a Birthday party (Michaels best friend Lucas) and they all did that and us mothers and fathers were like "We love that they can express themselves and show they love each other!" all men should do that! Real men! I was so upset but didn't show it and asked her what she wanted me to do and if the bot felt uncomfortable about it and she said she didn't want me to do anything that she took care of it and the boy was fine with it. I said good and told her that I would not say anything to my son, that I love that he is like that and that the reason why I wouldn't say anything to him is because I don't want him to think that it is wrong to embrace your friends weather they are boys or girls, that my son has had many girlfriends and that it isn't an issue and won't be! When I got off the phone with her I called DM and ofcourse he thinks I should talk to Michael, what do I say? I don't want him to change and I can't hurt him like that! I can't stand to see my babies embarrassed it breaks my heart!

And I could go on with life one day in my sandals, but it would take me a week; just an idea.

2006-10-20T04:08:00.000-07:00

Good Morning.

So many things are happening at once and I am trying my best to stay focused and not break down.

My daughter's father called me last night and said that I have a week and a half to get her out of there. The things he says about her to me, kill me and I try and not let him show that I am upset in fear that whatever I say he will then take it out on her. I have people around me telling me when I do get Tia home that I should call child support and turn him in for working under the table, to turn everything off on a Sat so he can't watch his Sunday Football etc etc I don't have it in me to do these things, as mad as he makes me; and as hurt as I am I can't be someone I am not. I am bigger than that.

All I wanted was for him to love her as I do, for them to have a relationship; I spent thousands of dollars just getting her into a nice apartment, turning on all the utilities, furnishing it, cleaned every inch for a week and continue to pay half the rent even thou he has his friend living there.

I broke down because he said she is really sick and that I should put her in a hospital and go on with my life. I told him that I am a mother and she is my baby, that I will never give up on her or pretend she is not there. I did it myself for 181/2 years and if I have to live on the street with her because she is not allowed here in this house that I will do it. He has four kids from four different mothers and I told him that when he is old and can't take care of himself that I know on everything I love that Tia would have been there to care for him, that it was too bad that he didn't love her, because she is a good kid; she didn't ask to be born, nor did she ask for the Doctors and Hospital to hurt her! Is is cruel and heartless, but I am not the one to make him pay for his abuse and mistakes; his day will come and God will make sure that justice is served.

Should I just take Tia and her clothes and give the beds to "The house of concern" or let him and his friends continue to sleep in them? Do I take the kitchen table and chairs or give it to someone who will appreciate it and needs it? These are material things, but they would not be there along with many, many other things if it were not for Tia and I. I have less then two weeks and I feel like I am going to fall apart. I just want my Tia safe and near me. I now have to live with the guilt that I put he through this! How can one not love a child that is apart of them?

My heart hurts today. I love you my Tia and will never leave your side or give up on you, you are my baby and although you will not live with me, you will live in my heart and physically near me. Everything will be ok, Mommy promises you! I love you around the world and back again!

2006-10-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

"My Sweet Brother Mark"

My brother has always had a very sweet soul, he is one of the most sensitive, devoted, loyal men I know. Growing up when I use to hear him cry across the hall from my room I remember thinking to myself that when I grew up I wanted to marry someone like him. One who could cry behind a closed door, but walk out tough when he had too, a man who was in touch with his sensitive side, yet had a back bone. It use to make me smile and not because he was crying because I would never want to see him in pain; but because I didn't understand it, when he cried we always cried together and this was all new to me.

Then when I got a little older and understood why he was crying, I began to feel his pain and I remembered me smiling and I felt guilt.

Every little boy needs his daddy and my brother didn't have a man to look up too. When our father was home he was always drunk and looking back never spent anytime with him. When John wasn't beating my mother he was verbally abusing my brother, telling him to stop acting like a little girl because he did cry or slapping him in the back of the head when he was seconds late to dinner. And

while this was going on to the two most important people in my life I was secretly praying in the back of my closet that he would beat me too, I was sad and confused why I was left out! I prayed to God that my father would leave them alone and to let me take their place; I even got up the nerve and begged my father and when that didn't work tried to do things bad so that he would see that I deserved it and not them.

Sure I was daddies little girl, his "Princess" I was the only one that didn't get physically abused or mentally and verbally beaten down. But I can honestly tell you that up until I was in my thirties I felt guilt for being the so called "lucky one" from my Grandparents and daddies little "bear" or "Princess" depending on how drunk and good of a mood he was in that day. I beat myself up for 33 years until I had to let it go. I tried to make up for it by doing and giving my brother what I had and making sure he was ok, almost becoming a mother figure instead of his little sister. Every Christmas I would buy him socks and underwear to keep him warm and cologne to make him feel good about himself and condoms so that he wouldn't get sick and die on me. To this very day whenever he needs money or anything he doesn't call our mother, but me and I don't even ask why. One of my dreams as a little girl and still to this day is to get my brothers teeth fixed, he is so handsome; but doesn't smile like I know he can and wants to. I even got a bartending job in the bar my father lived above because my brother as he got older was still trying to have a relationship with him, but when they got onto the pool table and after a few drinks they would go at it; so I was there to get inbetween. I didn't want to be around a whole bunch of red neck drunk men, but I had to protect my brother. He could never get into a fight because I was always there to defend him, the thought of someone hurting him would drive me crazy, I have literally fought tough teenager boys, flying over tables because I saw him push my brother and new from life what came after. My brother has always been a lover, and I too; but did what I had to do to keep him safe and from enduring any more pain. Because of John my brother to this day is an insecure man, he has no self confidence and has never had a lasting relationship with another man, he has friends; but has never had a father figure. I had my mom and so did he but because he was so wrapped up on having a relationship with our father he never let her in, and with each day I just got closer and closer to my mother. And now he hates me for it.

Mark has always been jealous of the relationship our mother and I have, and the person I am. He thinks I have it all, he doesn't even know me. Growing up he would beat up on me, once to the point where you couldn't even recognize the right side of my face, he had me in the middle of a bush and wouldn't stop punching me, that day he let me have it all because I wouldn't date his scumbag friend Joey who claimed he loved me; as he was punching me he was saying "You think your better than him don't you" He found every reason to hurt me and all the while I never once stopped loving him! And just before my mother would get home from work he asked me to promise him that I wouldn't tell and I wouldn't.

Than I grew older and wanted to talk to him about it and he would walk away or hang up the phone, I have written him more letters telling him how much I love him, but he never writes back. He never calls me unless he wants money and that's ok. I just sent him another 500 dollars and if he calls tomorrow I will send him more.

My hope is that someday Mark will call me and tell me he loves me and that he understood why it was that I stuck up for him and protected him the way I did. That all I have ever wanted for him was happiness. That I could have had a relationship with our father if I wanted to, but backed off so he could shine and that I am so incredibly sorry that his father never saw the bright light coming from his enormous heart. I adore you my big brother, and wish you knew that.

May God bless your every step and watch over your sweet soul as I have for many years.

2006-10-17T04:04:00.000-07:00

Self talk is very powerful. I should really start doing it in my house instead of on the porch in the morning with my coffee; the neighbors are starting to think I am crazy :O) I could always hook up my hands free and make it look like I am on the phone, now there's an idea!

Anyone can say the words "I love you" and anyone can write them. It is very easy. But if you don't show it, then what's the point; all you do is either make one mad because they know it to be not the truth, or hurt the person because they think you mean it! I really hate when someone throws those words around! Listen people, if you don't really mean it then say something else, stop with the BS. We all know there are many words out there, today you can even make your own shit up!

There are only 3 things I really can't take in a person and that's one of them and now that I am venting I will tell you the other two. Thieves and Liars. Again there is absolutely no reason for it. I myself would give anything to anyone, but if you take from me whether it be material things, money or my feelings; I write you off. And Liars are the very worst. It will always come back to bite you, always! There is no point in it, really. Speak truth and in turn you will receive it, and will spare another ones heart!

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!" I am no Angel, nor am I perfect and yes I screw up, but I try to live by these words and so far in life it has worked for me. You will be hurt following this path because people are cruel and you will find very few people who think like this, but if you do find that person hold on to them! You might even look stupid sometimes because you have too think about it before you open your mouth or stand there like an idiot before you do something, but it is worth it. (Just don't think to much, and never with the mouth open; so unattractive!)Just another powerful tool I am giving you today. Love, Daisy

2006-10-15T05:04:00.000-07:00

I wish for anyone with kids to start their morning off with what I often experience with mine, it will make your whole day start simple and sweet and if you hold on to the thought no matter what life brings you that day, it will help you as it does me. It only takes a few minutes of your time, but is so worth it!

My son sleeps with his Daddy, which I don't agree with because he has his own room and is getting too old now, but if it makes him feel secure and happy than so be it.

My room is right below his, so when I know his daddy is leaving and hear his foot steps leave the room; I can't wait to run up there and snuggle with him or just lay there and watch him sleep, my Angel.

When I reached the bed my babies eyes opened and since the day he was born he has always given me his biggest smile, even if he was cranky; how that makes me feel is priceless and unexplainable with words.

I climbed in and he automatically snuggles up to me and looks up at me and says "Hi mama" he then lays his head on my chest, always over my heart. He loves to hear my heart beat, as I do his. He said "Mommy it is not sounding like it was before when I feel asleep that day listening to it." He sat up and said it sounds fast, like this "dunt dunt dunt da da da, it gets louder and faster and goes up up up" "I know Mommy it is a piano today!" I said "Maybe it was because I ran up the stairs after daddy left so I could lay with you, I miss you when your sleeping at night!"

I then went to lay on his chest but before I did he said "Mommy, mine might be fast too, because I am so happy!" and I said "Why are you so happy this morning?" and he said "Because you are with me!" I can't tell you what my child does for me, or how he makes me feel. At moments like this I feel that him and I are the only two people on the earth! I then put my head over his heart and he saw me smile and said "What does my heart sound like?" and I said "It sounds like a tired little train" he was laughing, I love it! He said "Mommy you are right, because I am tired." It was this morning at 6:45am and being the night Owl like he is and staying up late, I knew he was tired.

I was laying on my side and he went to listen to mine again, but he said that I had to lay on my back because my heart would not sound the same because it had rolled over, how he makes me laugh!

He laid his little head on my chest again over my heart as always and he came up so quickly and was so happy and said "Mommy it is singing again!" "It sings all different kinds of songs!" and my reply was "You want to know why, because Mommy loves you so very much, it sings for you my baby and always will!" He hugged me tight and said "I love you too Mommy and when my heart isn't tired anymore, it will sing back to you!"

I had to hide the tears in my eyes because I didn't want him to think that I was sad, but happy. Happy to have such a precious child. With most everything upside down in my life right now, it is my son who gives me that unconditional love and hope that everything will soon be ok again!

He ended with "Mommy can I learn more about your other parts?" He started to get on his Pj bottoms and said his legs hurt because he slept on them too long and I said there are two reasons why they hurt, one because you are getting bigger and two with all your hard work at Karate your muscles are getting bigger and he said "oh yes they are, oh yes I am!"

Every stair he walked down was followed by and ouch, all 15 of them. :O)

May everyone out there experience a morning like mine, it doesn't have to be with a child it could be with the one you love that loves you back, one you can experience the simple things in life with, one who can forget for the moment all of life's challenges, obstacles and stresses, it only takes a few moments, but I can assure you that moment will last forever.

All My Love, Daisy

2006-10-11T03:54:00.000-07:00

Good Morning My friends And Family.

I had a really hard day yesterday, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and my whole day seemed to get worse as the day went on; but who doesn't have a bad day, right! I am human...What is important today is that I am happy once again and that I know where my babies are and they are safe in their beds.

I felt guilt yesterday because I never once in all the years my father has passed thought of him on the anniversary of his death, until yesterday. What kind of person am I? I here from everyone that I am so good and I believe that I am a good person; then that hit me and I started to doubt the person I am. I knew that he was born with fetal alcohol syndrome, and that he didn't have a chance ; but he did have choices. I know that it is an illness, but I spent a good part of 3 years helping him over come it and took care of him so that he could see my babies grow and someday walk me down the isle on my wedding day, but he chose to die. I tried really hard to think of some good times with him throughout the years when he was in my life and I could only find one.

I was about 5 and was on a field trip to the park and I had not seen him or heard from him in months and missed him so much, he was my daddy and at that age didn't realize what divorce was or alcoholism. I was on this merry go round and it was going really fast and he was dressed in his police uniform, he was far away from me heading towards me and I wasn't sure it was him until I saw him smile, I kept turning my head as the merry go round got faster, trying to get a better look and then he was there, the boys kept pushing so it was impossible for me to get off; I thought it a dream, but then he said "Hi my Princess!" and right then I didn't care about being hurt and didn't have time to ask to get off ; I just wanted to be in his arms again so I jumped. He held me tight and kissed me all over my face, I can still feel those kisses and see how happy he was to see me.

Even though most of my memories were of pain, I still hold on to those few times when I felt his love. I did love my dad, I just didn't like what he did to my beautiful mother and innocent brother; but today I have decided to forgive and forget. I love you Daddy!

2006-10-07T04:15:00.000-07:00

There is so very much going through my head right now, I have felt every emotion there is to feel in the last two days. I don't even know where to begin...

I was talking to my mom yesterday and when I got off the phone with her my heart ached, I thought about what she said and I know exactly that feeling, because I was there not only three months ago; but most of my life. I told her that there are 2 other people in my life, one who has always been there and one who has been there for the past 31/2 years or more, but has just recently become very dear to my heart. I told her that if I were to put us four in a room that I know that the conversation would not end, that I know that us 4 could share everything and go through every emotion together and never feel stupid about it because we are all so much alike inside with how much passion and love we have for each other and life, that we are so smart and deep in our own ways.

She said to me after me telling her about these two other people that she could never be in that room with us because she always feels stupid and says stupid things. It hurt me when she said that because I know her more then anyone on this earth, and if it were not for her I would not be me, I would not have the love or passion because she taught me these things, it is through her that I am so loving and caring; I learned from her, there was no one else.

After getting off the phone with her I laid there and thought about it, thought about how much we are alike and what is different about the two of us. I believe I am still who I am because of the love she has shown and taught me throughout my life, and treat people the way I do because I learned from her, I admire the mother and person she has been and still is to me, but I now understand why she feels the way she does.

Growing up my father was never around because he loved the bar and his drinking more then he did his family and when we did see him it was either him drunk and beating on my mother or brother or the next day when he was hung over and could not be talked too. He not only beat her physically, but emotionally and spiritually. He never let her talk, drive or be independent in anyway in fear that she would wake up and leave him; he was her high school sweetheart.
But this story goes back even farther then that when she was little she had two brothers and her father was like my own, he was an alcoholic and her mother was not like mine she was very cold and only loved my uncles, maybe because my mother was close to her father and like mine didn't beat her, but favored her in his own way? It was the same when my brother and I were born, she didn't care about me, only my brother. She never told my mother that she loved her, never taught her anything and always put her down, all the while lifting her sons up and loving them, they could do no wrong; but my mother everything she did was wrong. I never heard my grandmother tell me that she loved me, it was always written in a card, but never heard those words come out of her mouth unless it was my brother or uncles. You see when I was growing up and to this day my mother always tells me that she loves me and that she is proud of me, I had her when I didn't have my father, she was my father. My mother on the other hand had herself only. You learn what you see and feel, by example. She has been beaten down by everyone in her life up until now.

She has no confidence and probiley never has, so when she speaks it comes out wrong, she shows me love; but still has a hard time expressing it to others, she is smart, but because of everyone in her past telling her that she is stupid she has become that person in away, she never had a voice or the words of someone being proud of her like I have from her. The list goes on.

I can relate, because not only 3 months ago I truly thought I had something wrong with my brain, I could not think anymore and everything that came out of my mouth seemed stupid. I would be invited to dinner parties to sit there in fear and filled with anxiety that someone may ask my opinion and me not knowing how to answer intelligently and being in fear of sounding stupid. A lot of DM's and my fights were over him telling me to do a simple task and me looking at him like he had four heads, and he would have to keep repeating himself to me and after four or five times I would still forget. I couldn't carry on an intelligent conversation if I wanted to. When my daughter came up to me one night and we had an argument she would say your insane you need medication and I was extremely hurt, but thought to myself maybe I should seek help. I made an appt. With a new Doctor not wanting my old one to look at me different, or think I am crazy because that is how I felt, I could not have told you what I had for dinner the nt before, it was that bad. I also was going to the hospital itleast once a week to the ER with chest pains and my heart was always fine, but it got worse and I would cry constantly and shake, I could not go into a food store because I was scared and filled with anxiety.

I went into the Doctors office and told him that I had no memory of when my kids were born and that I forget simple things like did I forget to brush my teeth today. I had sticky notes all over the house on the things I had to do, but had forgotten where I put them. I broke down and he said that I was depessed and was experiencing panic attacks. He put me on an anti depressant and something to help with the panic attacks and I have never been so happy, I feel like I got my life back, I was smart again, and for the first time since I can remember I have confidence. Everyone I know commented on how great I looked and seen that all the worry from my face was gone, the ones who cared about me were so happy, but DM was not; he was intimidated by me because for the first time in 8 1/2 years of knowing him I finally had a voice and I could see clearly. I had the bounce back into my step and I could smile again, and carry on one hell of a conversation! I have energy where before it was totally depleted and I vividly remember the day when both my kids were born; vividly!

My mother thinks that it is too late for her. And that kills me. I know she is smart and that she is filled with so much love. It isn't too late and at this point in her life she has a great husband and me, my only hope is that she is truly happy. She is a shy women and has absolutely no confidence in herself or what she says, I was there not too long ago and it is an awful feeling. Our environment, the people throughout our lives,the situations in life that we were in, fear, abuse and lack of that unconditional love have almost destroyed us. And it is so sad because of the rotten life my mother has lead this far, she will be in pain and continue to feel the pain of the past.

I just want you to know mom that I would rather be in that room I talked about with you and no other. That when you speak to me that it is far from stupid, that without your love and passion that I would not be who I am today, that I am sorry that throughout your life you were not loved the way you should of been, and had to endure so much pain that has molded you into the women you are today and if I could go back in time that I would have taken your place without thinking twice about it, if I had the power I would erase your past so that you could live today. Please know that those two people I mentioned would never look at you in anyway other then with love and would not judge or laugh at you, not only because you are a beautiful person because they are special and do not judge and have also been hurt, maybe not to your extent; but have felt pain. I would never hurt you mom, you are so very precious to me. Try and forget the past even though it is hard, bury it and live for today. Life is too short. Know you are my Angel and that I love you more then anything in this entire world! Your baby, Teri

2006-10-04T17:54:00.000-07:00

Maddie My Friend You Have Made My Day! I love you so very much! My Blog is so Beautiful, Thank you for your hard work, love and passion when designing this for me, you know me so well! I can't wait to start our journey together; I am so excited. I will call you tomorrow.. I love and miss you, Daisy

2006-10-04T16:05:00.000-07:00

Michael says...... I love you, yes I do love you so much. I can travel all over the world you are the greatest mom in the world! I love you more then puppies, I love you more then money, I love you more then monkeys, and I mostly love you more then anything! I love you more then all my grandpa's even grandpa Michael. I love you! I love you because I like you. And I like you buying me presents and I love you more then Christmas! That's it..... I love you too Michael! You are very special and I was so very proud of you tonight, you have a gift and the passion for Karate. You are my little man and I love you more then ice cream (he laughs), more then books( he laughs more), more then perfume (he smiles), more then my Jeep (he is cracking up) I love you more then life (he stares into my eyes and hugs me tight) Good Night Michael and Mommy He wants to do more..... I know that Daddy loves you more then a sack of peanuts. He loves you more then him pooping in the toilet (I look side ways and say, Michael I shouldn't really type this , but we are being honest; so let's just open up and have some fun!) I love you NaNa more then anything, even more then chocolate ( now that's huge!) and money and Christmas! Mom you are really loved, you know how Michael loves money!!!!! lol We have to go finish Michael homework, right Michael? Yes, Mom. Good Night NaNa and Alan and Corky

2006-10-04T03:47:00.000-07:00

Good Morning My Friends And Family
I was a total bum yesterday, but had to be. I did a lot of thinking. Just layed in my bed and stared out the window at my little animals friends, not depressed; just very content. I wrote down everything I need and want to do. Today is a new day, and I am looking forward to my first day of peace. With each day that goes by I will only get stronger. I just want to Thank the people who I thought of during this time I took for myself, because of their love and support I feel the way I feel today and everyday after today.
First is you Mom, you are by far my best friend; your love for me is so incredibly deep that I truly feel it in my soul, Thank you for being the father I never had and the best mother anyone could ever ask for, for allowing me to make mistakes and learn from them, for never leaving my side, for carrying me through all the hard times and sharing in my happiness; for dropping everything and being there for me when your life wasn't the greatest either, for the tears you have shed, and the beautiful smile you always have on your face when you see me. Thanks for being you, never change! You are my Angel! I love you with my whole heart! xoxo
Maddie, Thank you for always being there for me through the good times and the bad, for your positive words when everything around me was negative, the laughter and the love. Even though we can't talk as much as we would like to, I know you are there for me and always will be. You are truly so very special, I wish you knew how much. You have such a huge heart and a incredible soul, you always know what to say and how to say it. I wish I could see you everyday if even for a moment, that's how good I feel when you are near. I love you my friend! xoxo
My Special Friend, You have absolutely no idea what you have given to me, it is worth nothing in dollars; but means the most to me. You have given me hope, and strength, you have opened my mind, heart and soul in ways that I never thought possible. I feel that you are holding my hand through these bad times, not physically; but spiritually. You have touched me with your words and have listened to mine. I am so grateful to you in so many ways, and will forever consider you my friend for life. You will always be my Hero! I love you! xoxo
Michael, Thank you my love for making mommy smile each day with your words and unconditional love, for showing me what the meaning of simplicity is again, for giving me a reason to get out of bed each day; without you I would not be complete, for dancing with me when no one else will. You will always be my baby even though you are getting to be a big boy, the way you look into my eyes and tell me you love me touches my very soul. I love you! xoxo
Tia, Thank you for your honesty and for telling Mommy everything even though sometimes it is hard for me to absorb, never change. For pointing out to me that I was depressed when I was in denial, even though it hurt me at the time; I will always be grateful to you, you gave me a new life, a voice and my eyes back, for having one of the sweetest hearts I have ever known. You will always be my special baby, you were my first and words could never describe the love I have for you. I love you honey! xoxo
Pop, Thank you for being the father I never had, for treating me as if I were your daughter, for listening to me when you didn't have to, your great advice that may have took me awhile to apply it, but made so much sense when I did, but most of all for loving my Mom the way you do, so that I don't have to worry about her going through life without knowing it. Every little girl at some point in their lives have thought or dreamed of their wedding and Prince, I had always dreamed of my Mothers, thank you for making my dreams come true and for being "our" Prince. I love you! xoxo
PaPa Joe, Thank you for taking my pain away and giving me my life back, for always giving me a safe place to go, your home and heart. For never giving up on me or the deep love you have for me throughout those two years of not seeing me, for always acknowledging that I have two children, not one; for being the only one to think of my baby Tia and feeling her pain as well as my own. I love you! xoxo
Karen, Thank you for being my friend, for taking off the blinders and seeing what my life is truly like and the abuse I go through everyday I know it is hard for you because he is your nephew and I am sorry for that, for seeing and telling me how great of a mom I am to my children, for the laughter we share when we are together, and the mommy talk, and much, much more. I love you! xoxo
Elizabeth, Thank you for giving up the love of your life so that I could experience it myself, for the special gift I believe you have giving me. I can only imagine how sweet you were and can't wait to see you and hold you in Heaven. I told you last night as I whispered to you that I will never hurt your love and I mean that with all of my heart, but you know that already. Everything happens for a reason, I just wish you could have been spared; I know in my heart that you are in the most beautiful place dancing with your wings flowing around you, keep dancing and know you are thought of each and everyday! xoxo
Leslie, Thank you for the fire flies and all the simple things we shared, for being my best friend and for your love for me. I will never stop loving you, thinking of you or the joy of knowing that one day we will be together again. Every time I see a yellow rose, I see your beautiful face within the petals; I have not shared that with anyone else, just you my friend. I miss you so very much and your memory and ours will be with me until we meet again. I love you! xoxo
I could on forever with the people I would like to Thank for all they have done for me or the love they have given me, but the people above are the ones that have touched me the moment I meant them, heard of them or had the opportunity to have them in my life this far. I love you all! Keep smiling and take time to tap into the child in you if even for a moment a day, it feel so good! I love you all! Daisy

2006-10-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

Simplicity

I was laying in my room and Michael walked in, he climbed up on the bed and layed right into my arms, he looked up at me and said "Mommy I love you" then we both fell asleep, his head on my chest. I listening to his breathing, content to be with my baby. His father walked in and said "Michael what are you doing you can't sleep right now!" so Michael woke up kissed me and before he left the room he said "I fell asleep Mommy because I heard your heart beating, it was like it was singing a song." He is so much like me, that's why I know he will make it in life and grow into a gentleman. So simple, and it didn't cost anything; priceless!

2006-10-03T04:07:00.000-07:00

Good Morning. I made it through the night, my head hurts from thinking too much and crying; but those things will go away. I have major decisions to make, and I need to make them on my own; ok being a little emotional I may need a little help from my friends :O)

With everything that was happening last night I forgot to check my mail account, so late last night I go online and the weirdest thing happens to me, my beautiful friend maddie sent me an e-mail in the subject field ws "just playing around" I opened it and she said if you like this I will apply it to your blog, and at that moment I had chills run up my spine, you see the whole time I was away this weekend I knew without maddie and I speaking that she was going to design my blog site for me. Maddie has this very creative mind and so much work coming her way, she is one of the best mommy's I know and is in love with her children just as much as I am; I can't even begin to tell you how very much we are alike, it would take me forever! But what I am getting at is I knew and the only way I can explain it is when I am hurting I truly feel that maddie can feel my pain as I can hers, she knew in her heart that I needed something wheather she knew it or not and decided at that time to make me the most beautiful blog site I ever saw, it is so me, simple. When I clicked on the link and saw what she did, knowing that she took the time away from her family and work for me I was touched to the point that I cried. I have called maddie my kindred spirt, but she is much more then that she is my best friend, are souls connect on so many levels and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her and her awesome family. She some how knew at that moment what I needed and gave it to me, a smile, simplicity, love, a thought, and last but not least she confirmed to me what I really felt all night that I wasn't alone with my children in this cruel world! You just might get your wish my maddie, you may have me closier then you think someday soon.

Everything happens for a reason.....

I love you and thank you for the gift, it is and always will be special to me.

Forever, Daisy

2006-10-02T19:23:00.000-07:00

As I sit here and look at the time I can't believe that so much has happened in the last 5 hours. I went from giving my son dinner, to bathing him, and tucking him into bed with a snack, to hearing from my daughters father that he wanted to move his girlfriend in, and our daughter out; that he didn't love her and that he didn't feel guilty about it. After not seeing her for the last sixteen years, never a birthday card or a call to see if she was okay, not a penny for food or a simple I love you, he managed to spend 3 months out of 19 years and now he has had enough of her. His first daughter, the one he wanted so bad; the one who cried when I told him I was pregnant, my Tia. My heart is torn, I never felt pain like this; I can't even imagine how she will feel! When I came back inside the house I wasn't crying, there are no more tears; but hurt. I called DM down the stairs and he said "what do you want?" I said please come down here and he said I am tired Teri, what do you want? mad like always that I spoke to him. What I really wanted to say was "How could you possibly be tired? You haven't been with our son since Thursday, you went out with your friends on friday morning to a casino till 1am the next day had a great dinner and lots of fun and Sat and Sunday you were home painting your house, your choice! Layed in bed watching your porn all weekend, sleeping late, going to your friends for dinner etc etc but I encourage him to go have fun, to lighten up; I would never throw it in his face, but how dare him to ignore the fact that my baby was beaten up while he played all weekend, and never once asking how she was, but you say you love me; well if that's love then I will be more then happy to sit on my porch with my book alone! So he finally storms down like he is doing me a favor and I say "look at me, there are two choices 1 Tia comes back here so I can keep her safe or 2 I leave!" He tells me, no wait screams at me that my daughter is not allowed in HIS house. So what is that telling me? The moment he said that I don't think I was ever that upset in my entire 38 years and I have been through some scary, sad times. I looked at him and said I have two children and love them both, how could someone do that to a mother, a person? I knew he was cruel, but never evil. He tried to talk, but enough was said. I called my mom, cried until a whole box of tissues were gone, hyper ventilated and kicked into survival mode, something I have mastered! I know who I am now, I have a voice and no one I mean NO ONE will hurt or keep my babies from me ever again! He has a great lawyer and money and will try and take my baby, but I have the love and you can't buy that! Hopfullly someone will see that, and in the end I will have all I have in life under the same roof.

Everything happens for a reason. Daisy

2006-10-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

I am back finally.... Never thought I would miss technology. lol

I had the most amazing time with my son on the way home from dropping my Papa and Karen off in the Bronx. We had the windows down and the wind was whipping our hair all over the place, the music up loud, taking turns playing our favorite songs, first Michaels "Escape #1" and then "ours" "Hero #4" then we would start all over again going back to his. I say ours because when we were singing it I turned the mirror so that I could see him in the back and we were singing to each other, I his Hero and he mine; it was simple, fun and priceless!

Those are the moments that I will be living as if they happened yesterday when I am 85, sitting in my rocking chair, with a great book in my hands staring off into the clouds on my porch.

I was gone since Friday and now it is Monday and I am back, back in this cold, lonely house. After spending 3 days in a house filled with 5 adults, 4 teenagers, 1 baby, 1 seven year old, 3 cats and 1 guinie pig; hopping from room to room each night looking for a place to sleep, hearing that my daughter who is 51/2 hours away from me, with a father who could give a shit that she was by herself laying in a hospital room because 4 girls and 2 boys decided to jump her and beat her to a pulp, to have one of my best friends call me at 1am and tell me that she has no will to live because she is still mourning the loss of the love of her life that died a year ago and she is self-distructing and needs me, and another special friend to tell me that I reminded them of their love of their life who tragicly died, to re-living my own loss of my best friend Leslie; from crying to laughing from one second to the next, you would think that I would be extremely happy to be back in my own home! I truly wish I was. How nice it would have been.

Let's pretend, because thats what we all do best. Pretend that my beautiful son and I still singing pulled into our driveway, decided that it was late and order out; while we are waiting for the food to come we take nice, hot, relaxing, bubble baths; who wouldn't after a 4 hour drive, right? We each put on our fluffy pj's and the door bell rings, we race to the door and grab our food, sit cross legged on the living room floor feeding our faces watching the latest episode of Sponge Bob, after we eat we brush our teeth, get some yummy snacks and head up to our nice, comfortable bed and throw in a comedy and snuggle all night long until we fall asleep in each others arms, waking up for one last laugh, a smile and using our last bit of energy whispering I love you!

Sometimes you have to pretend that life is easy and that you aren't filled with pain, you have to be strong if for your kids only. I always end up back at 429 Castle Street, the party over the second I walk through the door, then it goes from simple and fun to survival and protection. sad, but true. Now I will go to my room, shut my door and escape into my fairy tale book; and hope and pray that I will be spared.

Good Night and Sweet Dreams

2006-09-27T18:34:00.000-07:00

I Loved You Before You Were Born
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you, I ran home from the clinic; no, I skipped! I got on the ugly yellow phone in our kitchen and called the one person I knew would understand me, the one who loved me the most and would love you the same; my mom. She was at work, but it didn't matter because where ever she was I knew she would drop everything for me, I couldn't wait to tell her, and as soon as I heard her voice I said "Mom, I am pregnant and I am scared!" and she said "Teri, no matter what you decide to do I love you and will always be there for you, you do have choices and a big decision to make; one that will change your life as you know it forever, but whatever you decide I will be by your side. Just knowing that my mom, your Grandmother would be at my side, and saying to myself that if I could be half the mother to you as my mother was to me that no matter what you and I would be ok! I then said "Mom, I want to have my baby, as I touched my small swollen belly I whispered "I already love you!"
My beautiful Tia Marie, my sweet, loving soul; I know you are having a hard time right now being without Mommy, and I can't tell you how very sad that makes me, but although I am not physically there; I still am by your side, always have been and always will! You are an intelligent girl and I am sorry that I have not allowed you to grow up, that I did everything for you and held your hand for too long, I am not perfect and was the best mother I could be. It is time to grow up, that doesn't mean I will stop loving you, but that you need to be more independent. I don't like to compare you and I, because we are so different; but in many ways alike, but I made a huge decision when I was 18 years old, your age; to give you life and I didn't want anyone's help I did it on my own! I kicked into survival mode because I had you growing inside of me, yes I had my mother, but she had already raised her kids on her own. I went to Nursing school in the morning and worked during the night, my only regret is that by doing this you and I didn't bond the way I would have liked, but I wanted you to have everything I didn't; not knowing at the time that you would grow up just like me, not wanting the materials things, but the love. You were my special baby and still are, I do love you; more then any words could say. I really thought by you being with your dad after 16 years would be a good thing, because I know other then Poppie you never had any male figures in your life, and lets face it every little girl and women needs her daddy. I knew how you felt when you looked at DM and Michael and their relationship, it hurt! I was there Tia, you know what my father was like, I was daddies little girl; but he never even knew my birthday, anyone can have a pet name! And I owe it to him on why I have chosen the wrong men in my life this far. I don't want you to live in my shoes like I have lived in Nanners shoes. I want you to know true love and how to laugh from the belly. You are so much like me Tia, you love the simple things, the hugs and the holding. Let go of the past as I have and live for today and never, ever forget that "I love you around the world and back again!" No one can take that from us! You are my Angel!

2006-09-26T03:57:00.000-07:00

Good Morning :O) I just had my first cup of coffee and I am almost ready to start my day. Yesterday, I played around with Photoshop and created an invite for Thanksgiving, I am so proud of myself ( even though it took me half the day....lol) Now I just have to figure out how to print it and on what. I will have to call my best buddie Maddie so she can help me, Thank God for her! My son and I finally finished our lego project together, The Empire State Building; he wanted to make it for his father. It is great! I went through my entries and never realized how incredibly boring my life is, outside of playing with my son, which I love to do; I really don't do much of anytjing else. I clean, cook, clean some more and cook. I get up every morning at 5:30am and go to bed at 9pm. I love routine, but this is crazy! lol I have so many things I want to do, but living in this house sucks the life out of me. It is an old, 6,000 sq " work in progress. When you have to buy industrial brooms and mops, there is something seriously wrong! lmao We are going to sell next year, Thank God! Until then I just have to do my best. Well I have to go get my baby out of bed, ok he isn't a baby anymore (7 yars old) but he will always be my baby! Maddie if you happen to read this, I love and miss you deeply! Take care, Daisy

2006-09-25T04:24:00.000-07:00

I feel good today, Thank God! I slept well last night and have a fresh head today. I have a lot to do, but can handle anything; unlike yesterday. My son and I started to build with legos The Empire State Building. lol I love being with him, he has such a beautiful spirt! We spent the whole day yesterday in our Pj's, he loves to be comfortable (like me) we danced and watched "Fat Albert" we were cracking up! DM slept most of the day, hung over. Which is fine, because I love when Michael and I are alone. He makes me laugh! He looks like his Daddy, but has my personality! I am so content with my family, I just wish DM and I could come together. There are alot of issues that need to be addressed, but he never has time to talk to me. I wish I could blog more, but I have a house to clean, errands to run, thats what I get for being lazy yesterday! lol Until later...... Daisy

2006-09-24T05:29:00.000-07:00

How could I even think that I could use this site to talk about my past, when my present life and my future are screwed up?

2006-09-23T03:56:00.000-07:00

Good Morning! It is raining here in New York, another grey day. I never realized how the weather plays on your mood. When you think about it, what makes the flowers grow, sun. I am a person who needs sun, it changes everything, you want to wake up earlier and it motivates you like nothing else I know. I think I should move to Florida, not only for the sun; but to be with my best friend whom I miss so very much, my Mom! I get so lonely here, no one to talk to, to share my thoughts, feelings and dreams. I have people around me, but they see right through me, I know they aren't really listening (besides my beautiful son Michael) I walk through the house and pass people and it feels like I am invisable. It hurts so much because I have so many things I want to say, things that are important, that I am excited about; but there is no one to listen. I got back together with my ex-husband 2 years ago and I truly thought things would be different, but they are still the same. I have known him for almost 9 years and he doesn't even know me or care too. If he would just listen once he would understand me, but he never has the time. I will try and engage in a conversation with him and I get as far as to same his name and he looks at me and says "what!" and the look on his face scares me, so I always say "Nothing, it wasn't important." He knows nothing about me, or my past and doesn't care to, as long as our son is well taken care of and the meals are made and house clean that is all he wants to know. I will clean all day from 5am to 10pm, never sitting down for a min and he will come home and pick the one thing I didn't do out. I make these great meals and EVERY TIME he has something to say about it. To sum it up I can't say or do anything right in his eyes. If I told you what I do in a day, your head would spin. Just an example on how good I am to my family, when I wash clothes my sons clothes get folded first because he has to go to school, then comes DM's (I even fold his underwear) then mine. I am the only one who walks around with wrinkles. I lay his clothes out every nt for work, I won't eat things in the house that I know he likes, even though I like them too. I could go on, but I don't want to bore anyone; if anyone is reading this. I live and breath for my family and never, ever go out with the few friends I have in this area, unless it is with his family food shopping. I encourage him to go do things with his friends and he does. I love being with my family, I am content! All I need is to be respected, I have given up long ago on love and romance; but I can't seem to even get that! I have no more tears in me, I am empty. Be safe and happy. Daisy

2006-09-22T15:24:00.000-07:00

Since I started this journey my head feels like it is ready to explode! I am not sleeping and I find myself walking the hallways at night; are these the side effects of blogging?

2006-09-22T03:33:00.000-07:00

Good Morning. Last night I went to get on the site, but it was down. My entry of the beginning of my life was bothering me and I wanted to change it if I could. When I started this blog it was for one reason, to maybe touch someone out there that may have had a life simular to mine, or seen them selves heading down the same road. If I could help just one person change their path or help them through a tough time, because believe me I have had many, it would serve my purpose and help me in the process. The last thing I wrote was about Tracy, the girl who hurt my brother and I deeply; and when I got thinking about what I wrote I felt bad. No one is perfect and she was young at the time too, let's face it kids can be cruel, I don't know what her life was like; only my own at the time. I totally skipped ahead of my story I wanted to tell, going from a 6 year old to 26. She made mistakes like the rest of us, and who knows she may to this day regret it, like I regret alot of things. I also want to add that it was her that ended her marriage to Jimmy, he was deeply hurt and didn't want to be there around her because of the pain of the divorce; and I can admit now that I was selfish to ask him to stay. Yes, we had a great time; but there were so many other places we could have gone at the time. I am not one to hurt anyone. And if I could take what she felt at the time back, I would in a heart beat. I will now go on with my story and try not to get off the path and journey of why I felt the need to let everything out and hopfully let it all go. I can not let the pass continue to effect the women I am today. Thank you for listening. Keep the faith!

2006-09-21T08:22:00.000-07:00

429 Castle Street
Geneva New York
1968

This is where I grew up and the year I was born. We lived inbetween 2 very large houses with wealthy people living all around us. Our house was a small, grey sandpaper looking house that had a cement slap front porch. My brother and I had to stay away from the house because if we should rub up against it, it would literaly take off the first layer of our skin.

I lived here with my older brother Mark and my parents, John and Jackie. My father went to work and my mother stayed home with us kids, it's not that she didn't want to work; but that she was not allowed. She also was not allowed to drive, so ever where we went; we walked. Me the youngest on my mothers hip and my brother trailing behind.

My father would go to work everyday and after to The K Of C (The Knights Of Columbus) where he would drink until the place closed or they thought he had enough and threw him out. Most days were like this, so when he didn't come home right after work my mother knew where he was and made sure us kids were in our beds, so that we did not have to witness the nightly beatings she received. My brothers room was right across the hall from mine and everytime he came home in a rage I would either hide in the back of my closet and pray that I could not hear my precious mother crying out, or run to my brothers room where he layed crying himself.

The days when he did come home for dinner we would have to sit in silence at the table and eat our pasta with butter or hotdog, while he ate steak and potatoes. Every pay day he would give my mother $20 to buy the weeks groceries, and the rest went to drinking. We often would pick dandilions out of the backyard and when they got low from the park behind us and make soup with them. We never had money for toys or new clothes so my mother would make our clothes and when they needed cleaning would wash them in the bath tub. Once a year my Grandmother would take us to the shoe store and buy us each a pair of shoes, they also didnt have much money; but did the best they could for their daughter and us kids.

When we were old enough to go to school the kids on the bus would pick on our clothes and say nasty things like "Where is your drunk father" or "Look at the two of you, your so poor and pathetic; you don't belong on this street!" There was this one girl Tracy whose parents were very wealthy and she did most of the picking, she lived a few houses from ours. I never told her then how she hurt me and my brother, because I don't think she would of cared, but almost 26 years later I was in a club with my new boyfriend and I saw her crying in the corner with her friends and when I walked by she said "I hope your happy!" I had no idea why she would say something like that or for that matter talk to a poor girl like myself. I went back over to my boyfriend and he said I really don't feel comfortable my ex-wife is here and I said "Really, who is that?" and when he said Tracy I thought I would faint. I told him that things would be ok, to ignore her and let's have fun; I also told him a little about how she treated me when I was little and he agreed to stay. We had a blast, we danced and laughed and she probiley felt at that time the way my brother and I felt, hurt! At the end of the night I actually felt bad for her, but not that much...lol

The memories at that house were nothing but nightmares and I really have not relieved them, until now. I can only handle small pieces here and there so the story will continue, just a little later. Be safe, Daisy

2006-09-21T04:15:00.000-07:00

Good Morning Everyone out in Blogger world. I didn't sleep well last night so I am a little tired and cranky right now, nothing that coffee won't take care of. lol Today I plan on going back in time and starting from the very beginning, it is going to be hard for me and very emotional, but I feel it is time to finally let it out and let it go. This is the main reason why I wanted to start a blog for myself, if through my journey and story I can touch one person or let someone know that they are not alone, that would make me happy. And although I didn't have anyone at the time to reach out too, itleast I would know that at that time in my life someone else may have been able to relate to me and the pain I went through. Until then, take good care of you and yours. Daisy

2006-09-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

I want to dedicate my first entry to my beautiful friend Maddie, if it were not for her my voice would not be heard.

I just want to Thank you Maddie for taking your precious time and helping me, when there are so many other things that you could be doing; you are truly so very special!

Love you, Daisy