| I haven't slept in the last week there are so many things troubling my mind and heart. For years I have sat around and allowed everyone who I have let into my life take advantage of my kindness and literally walk on my heart, ignore my feelings and step on me to get what they want. I never looked at it so closely as I do now and it is really hurting me and haunting me at night. Did I expect them to change? Hope that they would see the gift that they had and treat me as I should be? Or is it me? For the first time in my life I am tired. So tired of spending my days wondering what I can do for those who have acted like I don't exist unless of course they wanted something then their vision suddenly improved and their attitude changed, their voice became softer and I was finally treated as if I were worthy of them, if only for a moment like I mattered to them, then they would get what they wanted and turn back to who they really are at heart, cruel. I consider myself to be very smart, one thing that has not been robbed of me, so why do I continue to let new people in my life that have no respect for my feelings and allow them to play with my life as if it were a board game? And let those who have been in my life continue to hurt me? Is this what life is really about? I am starting to believe that we are living in hell. I have learned that to follow your heart and gut instinct sometimes hurts more then allowing those to cause me pain. It least I can pretend that they care and love me, but to listen closely to what your heart is telling you and tuning into the feeling in your gut confirms your fears and fear to me is so incredibly hard to handle. I still want to believe in those that I adore and love with my entire heart, so do I give in and take the chance of being alone in this world or do I continue to pretend that they love me and let them lead me further into their sick game? This is what I have been laying awake at night pondering over. I have yet to find the answers. If I followed my gut and listened to my heart 99% of the people I meet would not be able to enter my life. I don't ever remember people being this cruel. I am the type of person who just wants to hear the truth, I don't need sugar coating. Because when you have the heart I do that feels everything to the point of feeling a strangers deepest pain then I need the truth because it causes me more pain to look in ones eyes and know they are just telling me what they think I want to hear. I can honestly sit here and say that I am an incredibly good person, friend, daughter, sister and mother! That there is nothing I wouldn't do for the ones I love and for those I have just meant. I would go out of my way for a complete stranger. I love people no matter how much money they have or don't have, no matter what their race or what they look like! All I have ever asked for is respect. I have dreamt of true love for many many years, but have given up on that. I get all the love I need from my mother, son and close friends. The growing older with the same man, holding hands till we make our way to heaven is lost to me. My main focus now is to weed out the ones who only care about themselves, want to lead me to pain and who think they have me fooled by believing in them and the lies they have created for me. My plans are to better myself in every way I know how too, be successful, continue to be the best mother, friend and daughter to the ones I cherish and adore and to hand over my heart completely to those I truly know love me unconditionally and forget those who use me and only want to step on me getting what they want. I just have alot of changing to do within myself, after almost 39 years it is going to be hard and hurt probiley more then anything, but in the long run I will eventually be pain free. God Bless all of you. Daisy |