Saturday, October 07, 2006
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link | posted by daisydot at 4:15 AM
1 Comments:
1 Comments:
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daisydot had this to say:
Thank you for your beautiful words and compassion. You always give back much more than you ever receive.
About the past, no one ever told me that life would be easy and it's true. It's how you handle it that builds character. I've worked hard and paid my own way most of my life and so the things I have earned are important to me - no matter how cheap or expensive they may be. It's not good to be handed things in life, you know that. For some reason people have "learned" that having a lot of material things make them a good person, or a successful person, or even a good husband or father. It's a shame because what most people are looking for is love and we know there's no price tag on that!
I don't dwell on the past, but I have taken those experiences, both good and bad, and learned from them. I tell you often that I love you and how proud I am of you, not only because it's true, but it's a result of those experiences - taking the bad and turning it into a good thing. My own mother didn't say those things to me, she suffered her own pain silently, but she did the best she could under the circumstances and I believe she loved us all without mouthing the words. What matters is that I made a conscious decision to live my life the opposite from the ones I didn't agree with. But Heaven knows I'm not a saint - too fiesty for that role!
You and your children deserve a good life, and that doesn't mean just a lot of material things tossed your way. Your mind is alert, you are beautiful, you have a kind heart and a loving spirit. As you begin your journey, remember that it's a long, hard path to follow, but that's why rainbows are so special. Be happy and safe - that's all I ask of you.
Love, Mom- October 07, 2006 10:38 AM
| There is so very much going through my head right now, I have felt every emotion there is to feel in the last two days. I don't even know where to begin... I was talking to my mom yesterday and when I got off the phone with her my heart ached, I thought about what she said and I know exactly that feeling, because I was there not only three months ago; but most of my life. I told her that there are 2 other people in my life, one who has always been there and one who has been there for the past 31/2 years or more, but has just recently become very dear to my heart. I told her that if I were to put us four in a room that I know that the conversation would not end, that I know that us 4 could share everything and go through every emotion together and never feel stupid about it because we are all so much alike inside with how much passion and love we have for each other and life, that we are so smart and deep in our own ways. She said to me after me telling her about these two other people that she could never be in that room with us because she always feels stupid and says stupid things. It hurt me when she said that because I know her more then anyone on this earth, and if it were not for her I would not be me, I would not have the love or passion because she taught me these things, it is through her that I am so loving and caring; I learned from her, there was no one else. After getting off the phone with her I laid there and thought about it, thought about how much we are alike and what is different about the two of us. I believe I am still who I am because of the love she has shown and taught me throughout my life, and treat people the way I do because I learned from her, I admire the mother and person she has been and still is to me, but I now understand why she feels the way she does. Growing up my father was never around because he loved the bar and his drinking more then he did his family and when we did see him it was either him drunk and beating on my mother or brother or the next day when he was hung over and could not be talked too. He not only beat her physically, but emotionally and spiritually. He never let her talk, drive or be independent in anyway in fear that she would wake up and leave him; he was her high school sweetheart. But this story goes back even farther then that when she was little she had two brothers and her father was like my own, he was an alcoholic and her mother was not like mine she was very cold and only loved my uncles, maybe because my mother was close to her father and like mine didn't beat her, but favored her in his own way? It was the same when my brother and I were born, she didn't care about me, only my brother. She never told my mother that she loved her, never taught her anything and always put her down, all the while lifting her sons up and loving them, they could do no wrong; but my mother everything she did was wrong. I never heard my grandmother tell me that she loved me, it was always written in a card, but never heard those words come out of her mouth unless it was my brother or uncles. You see when I was growing up and to this day my mother always tells me that she loves me and that she is proud of me, I had her when I didn't have my father, she was my father. My mother on the other hand had herself only. You learn what you see and feel, by example. She has been beaten down by everyone in her life up until now. She has no confidence and probiley never has, so when she speaks it comes out wrong, she shows me love; but still has a hard time expressing it to others, she is smart, but because of everyone in her past telling her that she is stupid she has become that person in away, she never had a voice or the words of someone being proud of her like I have from her. The list goes on. I can relate, because not only 3 months ago I truly thought I had something wrong with my brain, I could not think anymore and everything that came out of my mouth seemed stupid. I would be invited to dinner parties to sit there in fear and filled with anxiety that someone may ask my opinion and me not knowing how to answer intelligently and being in fear of sounding stupid. A lot of DM's and my fights were over him telling me to do a simple task and me looking at him like he had four heads, and he would have to keep repeating himself to me and after four or five times I would still forget. I couldn't carry on an intelligent conversation if I wanted to. When my daughter came up to me one night and we had an argument she would say your insane you need medication and I was extremely hurt, but thought to myself maybe I should seek help. I made an appt. With a new Doctor not wanting my old one to look at me different, or think I am crazy because that is how I felt, I could not have told you what I had for dinner the nt before, it was that bad. I also was going to the hospital itleast once a week to the ER with chest pains and my heart was always fine, but it got worse and I would cry constantly and shake, I could not go into a food store because I was scared and filled with anxiety. I went into the Doctors office and told him that I had no memory of when my kids were born and that I forget simple things like did I forget to brush my teeth today. I had sticky notes all over the house on the things I had to do, but had forgotten where I put them. I broke down and he said that I was depessed and was experiencing panic attacks. He put me on an anti depressant and something to help with the panic attacks and I have never been so happy, I feel like I got my life back, I was smart again, and for the first time since I can remember I have confidence. Everyone I know commented on how great I looked and seen that all the worry from my face was gone, the ones who cared about me were so happy, but DM was not; he was intimidated by me because for the first time in 8 1/2 years of knowing him I finally had a voice and I could see clearly. I had the bounce back into my step and I could smile again, and carry on one hell of a conversation! I have energy where before it was totally depleted and I vividly remember the day when both my kids were born; vividly! My mother thinks that it is too late for her. And that kills me. I know she is smart and that she is filled with so much love. It isn't too late and at this point in her life she has a great husband and me, my only hope is that she is truly happy. She is a shy women and has absolutely no confidence in herself or what she says, I was there not too long ago and it is an awful feeling. Our environment, the people throughout our lives,the situations in life that we were in, fear, abuse and lack of that unconditional love have almost destroyed us. And it is so sad because of the rotten life my mother has lead this far, she will be in pain and continue to feel the pain of the past. I just want you to know mom that I would rather be in that room I talked about with you and no other. That when you speak to me that it is far from stupid, that without your love and passion that I would not be who I am today, that I am sorry that throughout your life you were not loved the way you should of been, and had to endure so much pain that has molded you into the women you are today and if I could go back in time that I would have taken your place without thinking twice about it, if I had the power I would erase your past so that you could live today. Please know that those two people I mentioned would never look at you in anyway other then with love and would not judge or laugh at you, not only because you are a beautiful person because they are special and do not judge and have also been hurt, maybe not to your extent; but have felt pain. I would never hurt you mom, you are so very precious to me. Try and forget the past even though it is hard, bury it and live for today. Life is too short. Know you are my Angel and that I love you more then anything in this entire world! Your baby, Teri |