"My Sweet Brother Mark" My brother has always had a very sweet soul, he is one of the most sensitive, devoted, loyal men I know. Growing up when I use to hear him cry across the hall from my room I remember thinking to myself that when I grew up I wanted to marry someone like him. One who could cry behind a closed door, but walk out tough when he had too, a man who was in touch with his sensitive side, yet had a back bone. It use to make me smile and not because he was crying because I would never want to see him in pain; but because I didn't understand it, when he cried we always cried together and this was all new to me. Then when I got a little older and understood why he was crying, I began to feel his pain and I remembered me smiling and I felt guilt. Every little boy needs his daddy and my brother didn't have a man to look up too. When our father was home he was always drunk and looking back never spent anytime with him. When John wasn't beating my mother he was verbally abusing my brother, telling him to stop acting like a little girl because he did cry or slapping him in the back of the head when he was seconds late to dinner. And while this was going on to the two most important people in my life I was secretly praying in the back of my closet that he would beat me too, I was sad and confused why I was left out! I prayed to God that my father would leave them alone and to let me take their place; I even got up the nerve and begged my father and when that didn't work tried to do things bad so that he would see that I deserved it and not them. Sure I was daddies little girl, his "Princess" I was the only one that didn't get physically abused or mentally and verbally beaten down. But I can honestly tell you that up until I was in my thirties I felt guilt for being the so called "lucky one" from my Grandparents and daddies little "bear" or "Princess" depending on how drunk and good of a mood he was in that day. I beat myself up for 33 years until I had to let it go. I tried to make up for it by doing and giving my brother what I had and making sure he was ok, almost becoming a mother figure instead of his little sister. Every Christmas I would buy him socks and underwear to keep him warm and cologne to make him feel good about himself and condoms so that he wouldn't get sick and die on me. To this very day whenever he needs money or anything he doesn't call our mother, but me and I don't even ask why. One of my dreams as a little girl and still to this day is to get my brothers teeth fixed, he is so handsome; but doesn't smile like I know he can and wants to. I even got a bartending job in the bar my father lived above because my brother as he got older was still trying to have a relationship with him, but when they got onto the pool table and after a few drinks they would go at it; so I was there to get inbetween. I didn't want to be around a whole bunch of red neck drunk men, but I had to protect my brother. He could never get into a fight because I was always there to defend him, the thought of someone hurting him would drive me crazy, I have literally fought tough teenager boys, flying over tables because I saw him push my brother and new from life what came after. My brother has always been a lover, and I too; but did what I had to do to keep him safe and from enduring any more pain. Because of John my brother to this day is an insecure man, he has no self confidence and has never had a lasting relationship with another man, he has friends; but has never had a father figure. I had my mom and so did he but because he was so wrapped up on having a relationship with our father he never let her in, and with each day I just got closer and closer to my mother. And now he hates me for it. Mark has always been jealous of the relationship our mother and I have, and the person I am. He thinks I have it all, he doesn't even know me. Growing up he would beat up on me, once to the point where you couldn't even recognize the right side of my face, he had me in the middle of a bush and wouldn't stop punching me, that day he let me have it all because I wouldn't date his scumbag friend Joey who claimed he loved me; as he was punching me he was saying "You think your better than him don't you" He found every reason to hurt me and all the while I never once stopped loving him! And just before my mother would get home from work he asked me to promise him that I wouldn't tell and I wouldn't. Than I grew older and wanted to talk to him about it and he would walk away or hang up the phone, I have written him more letters telling him how much I love him, but he never writes back. He never calls me unless he wants money and that's ok. I just sent him another 500 dollars and if he calls tomorrow I will send him more. My hope is that someday Mark will call me and tell me he loves me and that he understood why it was that I stuck up for him and protected him the way I did. That all I have ever wanted for him was happiness. That I could have had a relationship with our father if I wanted to, but backed off so he could shine and that I am so incredibly sorry that his father never saw the bright light coming from his enormous heart. I adore you my big brother, and wish you knew that. May God bless your every step and watch over your sweet soul as I have for many years. |