Do I need to change my profile now?
Can I stay 38? I think I can pretty much do whatever I want with my blogger.....hehehe
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I think I will be 38 for the rest of my life!
I love you Mommy, Tia, Michael and all my beautiful friends and little family. I am so content.
These are things I would say if I were, I wish; for you to see
If I were your father I would tell you how very proud of you I am every minute of everyday, proud of you for the strong man you have become, the special person that you are, the amazing daddy that I see you are too not only your own, but the ones you have come to love as your own, I would tell you this and more because it is truth and because I love you more then anything else in this world . I would want to be near you everyday and hear your infectious laughter, share in your goals, dreams and endevors. Be a part of your little family and live each day looking at you and knowing that I couldn't have asked for a better son then yourself, I would Thank God for my only son; and stand tall knowing in my heart that this sweet soul before me will not only carry on my name in words, but in spirit and deep within his incredible heart. I would stand by you, beside you and pick you up if you fell. hug you when you needed it and tell you that I truly love you, encourage you to reach as high as you can, to not be scared because I was there never leaving you until you believed that you could never let me down, guiding you and following you where ever you wanted to go, telling you that you can be anything and giving you the will. Talking man to man and letting you know that everyone makes mistakes it's ok to forget and let go. I would stand beside you when you marry your wife and secretly pray to myself that everything you have ever dreamed of will soon be yours and pray my last days that God himself will watch over my sweet little boy. But I am not, but if I were; knowing you as I do, my brother; I know these are the things I would of said to you.
Things are different in this world today, if Dad was alive I am almost sure this time around he would have tried. I know in my own heart that if he stood here that he would tell you he was sorry for all the years of abuse. He would hold you and never let go and take back the 40 years he had stolen from you, he would try hard to be the father he should have been to you, and lived for the man who stands so proud before him. He was to sick to see at the time, his only son who would have taken his place and died. I watched you in pain and seen you suffer for the daddy you had, the one who could barely see you, through the haze of the booze he only saw his own pain, never once thinking that you needed him in many ways, he was selfish, it was never you, you were the best boy you could be and an even greater man from your experiences and everything you have been through, everything happens for a reason you need to believe. erase the deep pain that he has caused you and live for today. I am begging you, Please.
You are one of the best people I have ever meant, you are truly special!
I loved you yesterday, today and tomorrow and will love you everyday, this I promise you.
"Who comforts you?"
This was written for me and sent to me from my beautiful mother on 3/5/06. She told me that she had written the question, "who comforts me", and for the longest time the answer to her question was left blank until now.I keep the one she sent to me in my bag and carry it with me each and everyday. And when I was in Florida last week I had asked her if she had an empty notebook or journal that I could write in and she gave me the very book that held these precious words written for me. I adore my mother, she is the sweetest person I have ever meant and the love I have for her is like no other.
Everyday I am working on being truly happy, so that she in turn can be. That is my wish, my dream.
"Who comforts you?"
Who comforts you my child when the battlefield clears and when your hope is shattered once again.
When the love for your child collides with your pain and frustration and exhaustion sets in.
Others can walk away, but not you. Others receive and give comfort to each other in order to restore a peaceful space for themselves, they fall asleep to dream once again and feel secure and happy with their existance.
But who comforts you, my child?
Who mends your heart, holds you tight and stops your pounding heart and soothes your broken spirit?
You must hide from those who you should be able to run to. You take on the guilt of the faults and illnesses of those you love.
Don't be ashamed for you have done your best, and some things are beyond your control. My heart aches for my child and for the child she brought into this world alone.
I wish I were there to comfort you, to hold you and help ease your pain.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring happiness and peace to you and your children.
But today I came to a happy reality. Your hope, your solace and peace has a name and it is Michael.
Michael gives you his love, his compassion and shares his journey through life with you. His shared experience are real, pure and filled with enthusiasm. He tells you how wonderful you are, what a great cook you are, how much he loves you, and that you are the best mother anyone could ever have. He walks you through his life as a child and fills your life with love and creativity and wonder. He shares his childhood with you and in his heart, he must know that you never had a chance to experience his joy and wonder.
He is the one I have been praying for to hold you, heal your pain and make you feel as beautiful as you are.
Michael, you are the answers to my prayers. Thank you for showing my child how truly wonderful she is. Although you are a child yourself, you have the wisdom and a beautiful heart to share your true love and happiness with my child.
I love you Nana.
BELIEVE
I have to believe that everything will get better.I ordered the book 'The Secret" and couldn't wait for it to get here. I went to Florida bummed out that it had not arrived in time for me to read it while I was away, hoping with the fresh air, no confusion or stress that I could get the most out of it. I came home to it sitting on my kitchen counter and as soon as I put my bags down I grabbed it and ran my fingers over the cover and thought to myself "This could be it, this may change everything, my life and the way I think"
It has now been 5 days and it sits on my night stand, with only 7 pages read. Let me explain. I absolutely love to read, it is one
of my many passions; if the world got rid of every book I would be heart broken, literally!
The main reason why I have a hard time picking it up right now is because the first time I laid eyes on it and the way my face beamed with happiness and hope was seen by Dm and his mother. They instantly killed the hope and wiped the smile off my face with their negativity on what they have heard about the book. I knew at that time that it would be in my best interest to let it sit for awhile until they had both forgotten about it and my desire to read it.
I did read the first 6 or 7 pages and learned 'The Secret" The power of attraction that's it. Amazing and true! I have always said that I thought our bodies were made up of energy, that what the human eye can see is just a carrier, our transporter, that we can choose to surround ourselves with positive people or negitive and that is what we become, not knowing at the time if what I felt was true or not, just thinking it. I have also said with the help and advice of my mother that the power of our own voices is huge, but what I never knew was that through our thoughts and the words we speak ourselves is what we "attract' it makes so much sense to me that I don't need to read the rest of the book, although I will!
My fear right now and the reason why I can not read the rest of the book is when I tried to speak to both DM and his mother about how I felt that they denied to me and themselves that they were very negitive people, not saying that I wasn't, but saying that we all were and for our babies sake that we should really start focusing more on how we come across and the way we speak around him. I told them both and this is truth that if I closed my eyes when MM speaks that I either heard Dm, myself or DP speaking and it scared me! We are molding his young mind and the way he speaks. His future and happiness I feel at this point is in our hands! Once again I was shot done and belittled, told to work on myself that I had the problem, that they were "Realists" not negative.
So my question is this..... I in the last 4 days have thought, spoke and breathed postive. Tried to turn every negitive situation around to make it positive. I self speak to myself and out loud even thow some around me may think I am crazy. But how do you try to "Attract" the positive, when everyone around you and your situation is negative and those who bring you down live with you?
Think Positive.... Pray.
Daisy
Little Thoughts
Why do the poor get poorer, the middle class are stressed out and the rich get richer?These are my thoughts.....
The poor people when they are paid they spend their money on small, cheap stuff; meaning dollar store things to fill their house. It makes them feel good and let's face it if they could they would buy Ethen Allen, but they obviously don't make the money and most don't have the education to excel to make more money, they get by. I know this because I grew up like this, the proof is in my pictures of my first apartment and many after that.
The middle class people purchase "Liabilities", meaning a new car, Rolex watch, a new house etc. So the more money they make, the more they spend. They tend to have more going out then they have coming in. Which puts a lot of stress on them. I also know this because I live it today, menus the rolex!
The rich spend their money on "Assets" Things that bring in money. Rental properties, stocks, bonds, investments, etc. And with the money they make they buy more assets, which makes them richer.
I have always understood this but have never had the money to apply this knowledge I have. I am sure many people know this, but it is not as easy as it looks. Who has $60,OOO plus in the bank to buy a rental property? I invested every penny I had in this wonderful stock and I was robbed. So this isn't for everyone.
The one thing I do know is that "Education" is an asset. With student loans you can acheive an education that will bring you in money so that you can financially prepare yourself to save, to buy assets and not clutter. The key is to save and not spend! The down fall is you have to pay the student loans back, which I am still doing since 1996. lol
I don't believe that everyone has this opportunity because most have to work to put food on the table, have children to take care of. It's sad because if everyone had this simple knowledge, were brought up thinking this way, then maybe just maybe we would all be equals. We wouldn't have to suffer when watching the poverty and the poor children of this world go hungry!
I wish that I could take care of the world and it's people, for even one day let all experience what it feels like to live stress free and to feel like we should all feel, that we are the same.
Just a hope. Daisy
The Secret Lies Within
I recently had my friend send me a trailer of a movie "The Secret" she is trying to help me discover what I am good at outside of being an awesome Mommy, God Bless her. The clip was short and I feel an urgency to find this secret out, so I ordered the book. I can't wait till it gets here, I would love to take it with me to Florida. The thing is I already know that everyone has a hidden talent, that they are passionate about something, good at. I also know that you need to search within yourself to find that one special thing, and that no one can tell you what it is, help you discover it. My fear is that I will never find it or I have already and don't know it, that it wil be to late or if I find it that I will need to spend thousands of dollars to go back to school to acheive it. At 39 years old shouldn't I already know what it is? I do know many things about myself, but unfortunately they are not going to pay the bills, raise my confidence level or make me feel important or acheive the Hierarchy of needs.
How can being a great person, a fantastic mother, daughter and friend make money? I am filled to the brim with passion and love and have an incredible drive to do something, but have absolutely no idea what it is. I am a Nurse on paper, meaning in order to practice I would need to take my State Boards after 11 years of not practicing, I have a Medical Coding and Billing degree that I never used because I was rasing my kids and with 20 something more credits I could have my Social work degree, which means going back to school. I have excellent awards in every subject I have taken, my GPA is a 3.8-4.0, I have received perfect attendence and deans lists awards and many other things. My portfolio is amazing, but I am still not sure that the Medical field is for me. I am way too sensitive and if I should go back into Nursing I know in my heart that it would only hurt me as it did before, I have enough pain in my everyday life that I don't think it would be healthy for me to go down that road again. I can't see myself behind a desk all day either doing Medical Billing. The one thing I can see myself doing is Social work. I love people and am always trying to help them, they use to call me "Dear Teri" because whenever my friends or family had a problem they would call me. That is one of the reasons why I went to school for it. But in that field there is a very high burn out rate and again I am sensitive, not sure if I can listen to everyone's pain and not take it home with me.....
I need some serious help! The saga continues...................
Daisy
Getting Older Sucks
Some say age is just a number.... Yeah right! When you reach a certain age it means everything! I recently discovered that all the thousands of dollars I have spent since the young age of 13 to keep my skin soft meant nothing, or maybe my old body can't take the cold New York weather anymore?
I think a big part of me checking myself out more lately then normal is that I am going to Florida for 9 days. Not to mention my 39 Birthday is in a couple of days. I have to admit that for having two kids and almost 40 I look pretty damm good, but the flaws I had when I was 15 are there still and a lot more noticible at this age! Like my small breasts. They actually went from a C to an A? Why me? I think I am the only one that after each child my girls got smaller! lol I have always just ignored them, but in the last month I have been very upset with these little girls. They are not as perky anymore and just hang there, they really need some TLC. I think I have made up my mind about surgery, I no longer just want them, but need them! Most of my Girlfriends have large breasts, BUT ME, and two of my best girls! Three of them have had surgery, two are naturally big, one got very big after her kids. I wish us 3 could get a deal and go together!
Then the wrinkles, what is up with that? Not many, but they are still there! I am still in my thirties! Thank God I have a great personality and heart or I might as well pack it up and call it a day! How the hell am I going to look in a bathing suit this year? YUK! I even lost what bootie I had, this is aweful! I wish there was a way that you could choose where you want to loose weight. No such luck! I lost weight and with it went my best assets, life is so not fair! Now I want to gain weight to get back my getto bootie, thats what my daughter called it when it was there...lmao
I guess you can't have it all. I always wonder if men go through what us women have to go through with getting older? I am really not liking this at all! I feel like at any minute I am going to fall apart physically. Next year is going to be hell for me the big 40....I can't think about it really! The one thing I am loking forward to is going out dancing with my girl Jessie and Rosie Sat night, they are taking me out for my birthday and I plan on getting wasted. I know that sounds childish, but it has been a long time coming. I need to go make my little family dinner, now thats a lie because I made beef stew yesterday, but need to warm it up now and set the table. If anyone likes Beef stew let me know I make the best!
Peace and Love, Daisy
| I had a great weekend with my Michael. It is all about simplicity! Friday we watched a movie and ate junk food. Saturday I took him to Karate, then we had bkfst at the best bagel shop here in Orange county. When we got back we played Lego's for hours, we built a very cool bank with a drive Thur window, a vault and lots of little green money and coins. Put put our hearts into it like everything him and I do together! We then when down to the kitchen and made cookies, or should I say he made cookies. I put my red apron on him (I got red not because I like the color, but because when we bake together I didn't want him wearing pink :) I was so very proud of my little man, he did everything on his own, even cracking the egg! The only thing he didn't do was put them in the oven and take them out, but he did set the timer. We made blue, red, yellow and green frosting and he cut me all kinds of flowers out from the sugar cookie dough. We had more frosting on the counters and on our selves then the cookies...lmao And the sprinkles, forget about it....laughing. He knows I love butterflies and daises and so he made sure the cookies were daises and the sprinkles butterflies. I now know what true love is! Who needs a man when you have a beautiful son as I do that knows exactly what makes me happy! The simple things are all I really need. No one ever got that. I Thank God everyday for my funny little guy! I love you more then words could ever say Michael, you are my entire world! Thank you for always putting a smile on my face and laughter within my heart and soul, you are truly the best boy any Mommy could ever have, I am so blessed! Forever, Daisy |